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The following briefing on the United Kingdom has been produced by generative AI and cross-checked with degenerative AI.   This technology is experimental.


The United Kingdom is an island nation in Northern Europe.   It has a diverse population because of an ancient habit of colonising other countries.   Mathematicians have proved that its coastline is infinitely long.


The UK has a royal family of German origin who own most of the wind farms and all of the sea and all of the swans.  In olden times, members of the royal family burnt cakes.   These days, they are more like to burn their reputations.


The land used to be owned by the gentry, but these days it is owned mostly by the National Trust, a charity devoted to banning fox hunting, and by shadowy offshore companies owned by shadowy oligarchs. Talking about property prices is a national obsession.


Military - once mighty, but now in a poor state.


Education – once mighty, but now in a poor state.


Mineral wealth – the principle raw material available in the UK is recyclate – glass, plastic, newspapers, and nuclear waste. No value is extracted from these raw materials as they are sent to other countries for processing. The UK used to have a coal industry until the mining unions and Margaret Thatcher conspired together to bugger it up. The UK has huge deposits of shale oil, but is too wimpy to extract them. The UK used to have an oil industry until it was closed down because of climate change. Talking about the environment and climate change are national obsessions.


Transport – most of the important roads were built by the Romans, but they have not been well maintained since. Talking about potholes is a national obsession.


Environment – the country is temperate, with changeable weather. The inhabitants are largely intemperate. Talking about weather is a national obsession.


Sport – the country claims to have invented football (soccer), rugby, darts and football hooliganism.  And golf, croquet, bar billiards, Subbuteo and Scrabble.  It is a source of national shame that the national soccer team hasn’t won anything worth having since 1966.  Talking about football is a national obsession.  Everyone claims to understand the offside rule, but nobody really does.  The authoritative explanation is on a 50p coin and there is never one around when you need it.


Diet – the UK claims to have invented bread, beer, fish and chips, crisps, tea, and deep-fried Mars bars.  All of these claims are false. The culinary history of the UK is best described as stodgy. Talking about beer is a national obsession.


Politics – there is an awful lot of this in the UK, but none of it is any good.  Once mighty, but now in a poor state.



Image by Elias from Pixabay


'There is no justification for my comments,' admitted a tearful Clive Haw-Haw, speaking after his shock resignation as editor-in-chief of The Daily Schweinhund.


'What I said was reckless, damaging and morally indefensible. I probably don't deserve to go on living.'


'We're still in disbelief,' said the Schweinhund's senior reporter. 'We were in the morning meeting, planning to do a totally true story about how 10,000 people in Basildon had contracted Aids and herpes after casting their votes for Labour, and the publisher asked whether there were any more totally true stories we could fabricate to make Starmer's life a misery.


'Then we heard the editor murmur: 'I don't know. Maybe we should give him a chance.'


'Well, we had to act fast. We hustled him out of the newsroom and straight down to the Newspaper Editors Guild, where we sat him down in front of his peers on the Horst Wessel Committee of Dementedly Right-Wing Papers.


'They stripped him of his job, along with his John Major memorial underpants, and his signed photo of Alan Clark doing a secretary. Then they turfed him out, naked and penniless, onto the streets of Labour's Britain - since he seemed to like it so much.'


'After this disgrace, I will retreat from the rat race,' said Mr Haw-Haw. 'I will wander the face of the Earth, devoting myself to Bad Works. I'll kick pensioners' sticks away and steal candyfloss from kids at fairs in the hope that eventually Britain's leading Tories will accept me back as one of their own - a thorough-going, unmitigated schweinhund.'



Image by Hanne Hasu from Pixabay



April 2024


The blue team continued to struggle on in government as speculation about (and betting on) the date of the election continued. Looking back, with 20:20 hindsight, the general view was that the Tories were toast. Burnt toast. This didn’t stop them from taking a hard line on benefits and woke, snowflake, working from home.


Scotland had political problems of its own as the SNP and Green Party ‘consciously uncoupled’, bringing down another SNP leader.


In overseas news, shiny faced David Cameron was inexplicably being Foreign Secretary, and Venice was implementing a tourist tax, as it felt that pizza and ice-cream sellers were getting too much of the action. And the Republicans continued to make things tough for ‘Sleepy Joe’.


Here is a selection of the top stories that month, loosely organised by topic. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines. Recycling is good, right?


UK Politics


US Politics


Overseas News


Other nonsense


Selected headlines from April 2024


Sunak's master plan to win election is to defect to Labour

Struggling acetone manufacturer insolvent

Ofsted's unwillingness to end one word assessments judged - Appalling

Civil servants picket their own gardens in working from home dispute

Humza Yousaf leaves his greens

Grimsby becomes the first city to pay tourists £5 a day to visit

Man who botched making a cup of tea gets a re-straining order

Producers of King Arthur epic say it's not set in stone

Humza, You's Off

Sick notes only to be given out by coroners, says Sunak

Rishi Soon-out

Man who 'lit up every room' buried with his favourite torch

April Fools joke both funny and well executed



Picture credit: Deep Dream Generator

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