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Westminster insiders have suggested that the Assisted Dying Bill, which the House of Commons just voted in favour of, is in fact a sly way to get rid of the House of Lords.
'There's a provision that the subject must be no more than 6 months from dying - well, that should cover about 90% of them,' said the spokesman today. 'And of course, they have to be ill - but dementia would count, surely?
'Also a High Court judge has to sign off on it. But as long as we pick one who isn't in the Lords himself, I'm sure he'll be glad to get rid of a few rivals.'
Of course, to become law the bill will also have to pass the Lords, which might cause some problems.
'We'll have to hope they don't realise it's directed at them. Or just make sure it's not debated the same day as hunting, shooting or fishing, so hardly any of them turn up.'
Dear dumb constituent,
Thank you for your dumb email asking me to spell out my position on people's choice to die.
I will be giving the bill for a rolling ban on tobacco sales my whole-hearted support. This is because I think it is wrong to let people kill themselves over a long period of time by ingesting a toxic substance.
I will also be voting for the Assisted Dying Bill. That is because I think it is right to let people kill themselves suddenly, with a chocolate laced with poison which has been placed tastefully on a pillow in a hospice bedroom.
I see no inconsistency in these two moral positions, but that is because I am a very busy and ambitious MP and don't have time to think about morals.
The only difference I can see is that some people enjoy smoking tobacco. That in itself is a reason for Parliament to ban it. But who is to say that smokers wouldn't enjoy taking something far more dangerous, with a very much stronger kick?
So next time, don't light that post-coital cigarette. Instead, swallow something laced with strychnine from the Milk Tray selection, and die satisfied.
And don't forget to vote for me in the next election, dumbo - that's if you insist on living that long.
Signed,
Your caring MP
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