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The Greater Manchester Police travel agency


Dear happy holidaymaker,


In a first for British policing, the Greater Manchester force is offering an electrifying start to your holiday.


What would you normally be doing while waiting two hours between check-in and boarding? Drinking a cup of coffee you didn't want at Costa?


Well now, you can arrange your flight through us at Manchester's Lubyanka Airport and experience the thrill of witnessing armed police officers kicking and stamping on the heads of youths while a screeching, bossy boots WPC points a taser at your head and tells you to 'get back!'


You don't get that kind of action at Stansted or Gatwick. Well, not yet.


And Saturday nights are gala nights at Manchester Airport, with special guest Charlotte Dujardin, CBE, whipping holidaymakers repeatedly around the departure hall while shouting: 'These are sh** at hitting hard.'


Booking your holiday flight through Greater Manchester Police will make you extra happy to get the hell out of the UK - to somewhere quite nice like Sweden or Switzerland, where suspects don't get thrown to the ground by armed police and kicked repeatedly until their feet get tired.


Picture credit: Wix AI

Labour, Lib Dem & SNP voters face arrest



Having successfully smashed the chances of 6 guys with placards overthrowing the monarchy, the Public Order Bill is set to come slamming down on Labour, the Lib Dems, SNP and probably the Green Party as well – just to be on the safe side. All of their MPs and party members face arrest and immediate deportation to Rwanda.


Anyone considered to be considering voting for those parties will be arrested on the morning of the next general election, just before polling begins. They will be held until just after the polls close, before being released without charge. The subsequent apology will come with air quotes.


Home Secretary Suella Braverman was allegedly seen salivating and naming the plan “Operation British Values”.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst clarified ‘These protesters, who self-identify as the Labour party, plan to interfere with key national infrastructure like roads and railways. Labour have suggested they might nationalise the railways. This might make the trains run on time and would definitely cost the taxpayer less money – and we can’t have that. They’re also threatening to properly fund local authorities, the NHS and social care and not fund their mates or their wives share portfolios. These are not British values, so it’s time for the Met Police to do what they do best – well, 4th best, after committing rapes, failing to investigate those rapes and being institutionally racist.’


Labour intern Shelley Stevenson said ‘They’ve nothing to worry about. Literally. We’re not going to do anything. Not even wave placards.’




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