Police chief warns that there is a critical shortage of trouser inspectors

Chief of Trouser Inspection, Superintendent Clive Johnson-Johnson has warned that there is a severe shortage of inspectors in the Trouser Police. "The situation is critical and we are facing a trouser collapse. There are just not enough young trainees in the trouser service recruitment system and our aging workforce means that we are approaching a retirement cliff edge. Retirement trouser levels are going up and up, and nobody wants to see that."

"There is a particular problem in the area of hotel snobbery dining, where attire regulation is, quite rightly, unjustifiably strict. Sometimes we have to provide up to two inspectors per venue during the peak summer season, when there is an increased threat of chancers turning up in long shorts, knee-length stockings and loafers. Those who engage in that kind of disgraceful law-breaking behaviour really should know by now that they are not going to get past our finest on the thin brown line."

"We had already taken a belt and braces approach to what everyone could see coming. Our world-pioneering exchange agreement with Bermuda, where they have significantly lower trouser inspection requirement, has been completely exhausted. This coupled with some worrying trends we are seeing, particularly with a sharp growth in flyless fashions like onesies, could leave us with nowhere to go."

"And I would just like to dispel any myths which might be discouraging young perverts from joining the service. We are under strict orders from the Home Office to enforce policies some have called controversial and discriminatory. No one should be under any illusions. Stop and reach around really does work."

Met Police launches new recruitment drive aimed at divorced alcoholic mavericks

The Met Police has defended a new recruitment advertising campaign which targets alcoholics, divorcees, misfits, mavericks and veterans of unpopular military campaigns that the public didn't really understand.

In an unprecedented campaign, adverts have appeared on the side of can of Tennents Extra, on notice boards in reception at firms of family lawyers and divorce courts and psychiatrists have been recruited to recommend any patients displaying signs of autism, obsession or post traumatic stress disorder.

'We particularly welcome applications from the maverick community, who are underrepresented in the Metropolitan Police,' said chief commissioner Bernard Hogan-Howe, 'If your marriage is on the rocks, if you have a drink problem and if you have got a hunch, my message to you is this. We will find you and we will hire you.'

Each maverick may be given a side-kick who will be able to cover the maverick's arse in a variety of ways. The side-kicks have been trained to make up alibis, do the paperwork, accompany the maverick to the pub and assist in interrogations.

Home Office efficiency targets have meant that by the book policemen who come from stable homes with a life-partner and children are becoming seen as more and more of an expensive luxury. 'In the past the safe copper who filled in paper work, turned up to do a 9 to 5, and didn't sleep in his car in a puddle of vomit whilst starring at pictures of old loved ones, where exactly what the MET were looking for' explained head of HR Lucy Thorton, 'But we all know such pen pushers are there to make us look good, the acceptable face of modern policing, but goddammit we need results.'

Thumping the table to emphasise the point Thorton reasoned that 'if it means that we have to turn to socially unstable winos who can stitch up a few weak member of society as some sort of redemption for their own relationship failings then by God I'm prepared to take that risk. Maybe that makes me a bad head of HR. Maybe it just means I hate crime that little bit more than others.'

The MET have also toyed with the idea of pairing wild maverick cops with other wild maverick cops instead of the traditional maverick-straight laced cop combination favoured since the times of Robert Peel. 'Just think how much more fun it'll be watching Police Camera Action with 2 out of control men going through a mid life breakdown before your eyes, firing wildly into the night sky and shouting the names of their ex-wives between uncontrollable sobs' figured hapless Mayor of London Boris Johnson. 'It's a win-win'.

ronseal & thisisall1word