British Transport Police advice during strikes: “See It, Say It, Sort It Yourself”

.

Police accused of covering up second parts of proverbs

Having been rocked by a series of scandals, police commissioners have dismissed calls for institutional reform, blaming criminal acts on 'a few bad apples' and ignoring the full phrase, 'a few bad apples spoil the barrel'.

Now, a police whistle-blower has uncovered shocking evidence that ignoring the second part of proverbs is widespread throughout the force. Speaking anonymously, they said, 'This policy has caused real harm. Officers' key performance indicators are now: two wrongs; more haste; better late. The policy of 'don't judge a book' has both harmed investigations and led to Margaret's reading group being disbanded. Whilst guidance that you CAN take a horse to water but you CAN'T make an omelette has just caused confusion'.

A police spokesperson responded to the accusations, saying, 'Leaking internal documents is a serious matter and when we find the whistle-blower, we will be testing the proverb, 'if you can't beat them'.'

Author: dantrobus

Image: Katelyn Greer (@katelyn_g) | Unsplash Photo Community

Met Police defend policy of nicknaming, not prosecuting officers

The Metropolitan Police have defended the practice of giving police officers criminal nicknames rather than investigating their alleged offences.

‘Nobody could have known that Wayne "The Rapist" Couzens was a wrong’un’, said a spokesman, known to colleagues as “Useless Jim”.

‘Likewise David "Bastard Dave" Carrick, who has just been convicted of 27 rapes. If only we’d been given a clue. Anything, really. I suppose, in hindsight, multiple official complaints might have given Hercule Poirot or Sherlock Holmes something to go on, but they’re fictional detectives. If we had to investigate every officer with a funny nickname and a string of complaints we’d never have the time to issue people with crime numbers for their insurance’.

A group of PCs with the nicknames "Openly Racist", "Knuckles", "Oops where did all that evidence go", "Brown Envelope Backhander", "Brutality" and "Gone Mad" began spontaneously kettling passers by and thumping their truncheons into their hands, before refusing to comment on the grounds that it might incriminate them.

Victims of police crime have been advised not to make a fuss in case they are charged with "wasting police violence", which is punishable by sentences up to and including sudden death.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: Mary_R_Smith | Pixabay