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Leaked plan to hold up placard behind Boris Johnson in PMQs


An audacious plan by Tory rebels to hold up a placard behind the PM that says "HE'S LYING AGAIN" has come to the knowledge of our political correspondent, however it's unclear how the plan can succeed, given the phalanx of Tory whips that now block the entrance to the Commons armed with pilums and the gladius, which by tradition, needs to be hung in the members' cloakroom to prevent blood being spilled on the luxurious Commons carpets and furnishings.


Boris Johnson's current biographer told us "This H&S nonsense is all part of the Johnson plan. He dreamed of being Julius Caesar when he was a nipper, then it was Winston Churchill, but now he dreams of being Vladimir Putin. He's already instructed Lulu Lytle to redesign his flat so that it can accommodate a dining table so long, he needs a telescope to see his wife and kids sitting at the other end of it; and his plans for the refurbishment of the Houses of Parliament are causing concern among architects in whether it's possible for each side of the chamber to hear each other, given the distance Johnson now wants between the despatch boxes.



First published 17 Mar 2022



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Boris Johnson "now a role model for snarky teenagers"



"We had anticipated that our studies would indicate that teenagers mimic the attitudes and standpoints of prominent social media users, reality television 'stars' and the like, so it has been highly unusual to see any political figure rate so highly in this study"


Keith Warsash, a psychologist specialising in behavioural development, has just completed an exhaustive internet study on role model markers amongst teenagers - and has been astonished to find that Boris Johnson is currently one of the key influencers.


Whilst scoring low, and even negative, values for his personal fashion sense, deportment and appearance, the Prime Minister has 'topped the leaderboard' for attitude and behavioural traits.


"We believe he has done so well in these areas through taking the teenage trifecta of 'I never', 'It's not my fault' and 'You're always picking on me' and elevating it to an art form." continued Keith.


"More astounding is that he has managed to maintain this triple defence well into his adult life, giving hope to teenagers everywhere that they too can carry that bubble of imperviousness into their later years, assuming no mantle of responsibility for anything as they go"


Keith has, however, been unable to confirm his findings in discussion with his 15 year old son, Jonah.


"When I spoke to him about this, all he did was mumble something under his breath, roll his eyes and storm off to his bedroom, pausing only to slam the kitchen door."


"Honestly, it was just like watching PM's Question Time" said an exasperated Keith


First published 29 Jan 2022



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