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Medical science has taken a huge leap forward this past few weeks, after a man – Lester Snips – became the first human in history to be the successful recipient of a fully functioning kidney, donated by a pig.
Chief of medical transplants, Dr James Thwipp explains, ‘We’re absolutely over the moon at how successful the operation has been. Medical science has been aware for some time, of the similarities between humans and pigs. The medical team had actually been debating this for a few months now but felt it important not to act too rasherly. There were various things to deal with that prevented us jumping in, whole hog.
‘One issue, for example, was how to break it to Mr Snips that the only kidney available to him was that of a pig. We decided it best to keep it our little secret. 'Eventually if was time to stop chewing the fat and just get crackling.
'We’ve been asked if we plan to perform any more pig-to-human transplants and the answer is that we may, but we need to take a break for now. We certainly don’t plan to do multiple operations on the trotter.’
A few days after returning home, Mr Snips invited us to meet with him ‘Generally people have been lovely all throughout – very supportive. While I was waiting for a kidney to become available, I even got a letter from Elon Musk. He said he’d make me a robot kidney that would let me play chess on the computer. I turned him down. I don’t know how to play chess.
'I have noticed a few odd things though. I don’t know why, but I’ve started to feel very guilty when I have a bacon sandwich. It’s a real shame because I love a bacon sandwich. I’ve also developed an over-whelming desire to roll around in muddy puddles. I’m having to buy a load of new clothes so I’ve enough to wear while other stuff’s in the wash.
'I see the local kids keep mocking me. Thing is, an organ transplant - snout to be laughed at. I’m glad I’m here. If it wasn’t for Bernie – he’s the chap who gave me my new lease on life – I’d still be stuck in bed, wrapped in my blankets, drugged up to my eyeballs
'I’ve been speaking to the hospital about meeting Bernie to thank him personally. But apparently he’s very busy at the moment. He runs a catering business I think. I asked Dr Thwipp what Bernard does and the Dr told me he’s in pies.'
Much beleaguered Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has finally found a formula to drive his polling numbers higher today when he announced a Royal Commission investigation into the possible introduction of legislation for supermarkets to stock pigs in blankets all year round.
'We have sausages all year round and we have bacon all your round, ' said Mr Sunak in a speech to Conservative think tank 'Britons for Traditional Values', 'so why can't we have Pigs in Blankets all year round!' There were rapturous cheers and whistles from the room.
'I will, next year, institute a Royal Commission tasked with the feasibility of introducing legislation compelling supermarkets and smaller concerns to stock Pigs in Blankets all year round.'
The announcement was met with all-party support, with Sir Keir Starmer even crossing the Parliamentary divide to shake Mr Sunak's hand. Even the Speaker rose to applaud the PM on his entry to Parliament this week.
It is thought that the Commission, likely to be headed up by Liz Truss, will be convened early next year with public eagerly awaiting it's findings.
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