Imposter PM phoned by Ukrainian

An investigation has been launched into how someone like Boris Johnson could get anywhere near being prime-minister after a Ukrainian was put through to Mr Johnson after calling 10 Downing Street and asking to speak to the PM.

"I have to admit I just panicked", explained the number 10 telephone operator in question, "The gentleman called and asked to speak to the prime-minister. I'd been given instructions not to let anyone speak to Mr Johnson unless they were offering a photo opportunity in a hospital or a lot of money, but somehow I forgot that and now the Ukraine government know the truth."

First published 20 Mar 2022

www.newsbiscuit.com

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'We, as a nation, make a solemn promise never to allow a genocide - unless we start it. Never will we permit a people to be persecuted in the name of religion or ethnicity - excluding non-whites that talk funny.

'We give thanks to all those who liberated Auschwitz - but not the Russians. We remember all the survivors - all except the left wing ones. And all Nazis will be persecuted - unless they can help us build bombs, run our corporations or give cheeky salutes on TV.

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Labour Ministers spend £1bn on High-Vis jackets

With echoes of the scandal surrounding Covid PPE contracts, millions have been squandered trying to make Keir Starmer look like Bob the Builder. Rumour has it that the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, has a luminous vest made by Christian Dior and wellies made by Ugg.

No minister is permitted to appear on camera without an obligatory hard hat and a confused look, when ever offered a hammer. Yet no one has pointed out that wearing High-Vis and a suit just looks like you cannot be trusted to eat soup without spilling it.

One Minister defended the decision. 'Some have said we cannot boost the economy with austerity, but certain industries are booming. Take the hi vis jacket manufacturing sector, they're raking it in.'

Photo by John Kakuk on Unsplash