Man desperate for condoms "heartbroken" by 3 week pharmacist appointment

Ron Jenkins of Clacton has taken to social media to express his frustration at receiving an appointment with a pharmacist three weeks after he met a "not too fussy" Sharon, from nearby Brightlingsea at a karaoke evening. 

'We were just getting busy when Miss, actually I don't know her second name, asked about "precautions". My first thought was the all-night chemist across the road, but when I went there the new appointment system was explained. When I told Sharon about this, she said she wasn't in the mood any more.'

When asked if there were plans for the couple to meet up in three weeks once he'd managed to buy some condoms, Mr Jenkins sadly said, 'No, I made the mistake of turning the light on. I've had to take matters into my own hands.'

Photo by Dima Mukhin on Unsplash

If you can't get a pharmacist appointment - try eBay, says PM

'Some people think we've been unreasonable, suggesting that to solve the GP appointment crisis they should use their pharmacist,' said a spokesman for the Prime Minister today.  'Did the PM mention his father was a pharmacist?  Well don't bother asking him to help, he's the Prime Minister's dad, for goodness sake,' he added, noting that the Prime Minister's Father-in-Law also wasn't available for consults unless they involve multi-billion-pound government contracts. 

Critics have suggested that pharmacists, while well qualified to count pills, mix medicines and search Google as well as any GP to explain a nasty rash on the end of an over-used penile extension, are also rather busy dispensing flu, covid and pneumonia jabs in lieu of GPs already at £50 a jab, and the public will have to wait several days if they want advice ostensibly for free.  The government has, incredibly, another layer of solution - use eBay.

'eBay has everything you will need - steroids, topical creams, homeopathic solutions sold in tiny packages,' said the spokesman, adding, 'it has already revolutionised dentistry with all the tools needed to extract your own teeth readily available,' he said, adding, 'and don't forget the dark web - the government will provide access to that medium for people too lazy to wait four weeks to see a GP or ten weeks for an emergency operation,' he said.

In other news the government announced that in addition to selling off £50K ventilators for £150 a pop they are selling fully kitted ambulances for scrap.  'With our new initiatives it's unlikely anyone will survive long enough for an ambulance to arrive to pick them up, so why bear the cost of maintaining them?' asked a senior government minister.

Photo by Serkan Yildiz on Unsplash

Pharmacies in England begin treating patients for common conditions