Stop moaning, you're still saving 0.1p per litre, say petrol companies

Global oil firms have urged consumers to focus on the massive 0.1p that they save on every single litre of petrol they buy at forecourts, rather than the eye wateringly high price of fuel at the pumps..

'For decades, knocking a fractional amount of a penny off the retail price of petrol has been part of our strategy to give something back to hard-pressed customers', said Dave Stetson, a spokesperson for the Petrol Companies Association 'Oil be There for You'. 'It's definitely not a marketing ploy to fool people into thinking the price is a penny less than it actually is. No, no-one would be taken in by that, surely?'.

'Prices at the pumps reflect all sorts of factors and they can go up and down...well ok, they don't actually ever go down, but you know what I mean', continued Stetson.

'With prices likely to hit £1.90 per litre next week, we would really ask petrol customers to consider that actually 189.7p per litre is actually a pretty damn good deal, rather than crying as the pump shows incredulously, it is costing £85 to fill up their small Nissan Micra', continued Stetson.

'Us Big Oil companies are also feeling the squeeze', noted Stetson. 'Just last week, my own company GuzzleOil reported annual profits of £7bn, oops sorry I mean £6.997 billion.'

Image: Pixabay/andreas160578

UK to turn Covid into petrol

British scientists say they have unlocked the means of solving our fuel shortage, while at the same time getting Boris Johnson ‘out of the $hit’. Intensive care wards will soon look like petrol forecourts, with queues of BMW drivers fighting to siphon mucus from your nan.

Covid particles will gathered in the sweaty undergarments of the infected and then carefully poured into jerry cans. Then through an elaborate process of osmosis, pollination and lucky heather, the Covid ‘drippings’ will magically transform into diesel.

Petrol pricing will no longer be expressed in pounds, but by the number of sick school children to the mile. Explained one boffin: ‘It’s not so outlandish, the Department of Works & Pensions have been getting blood from a stone for years’.

image pixabay/no-longer-here

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'Look, petrol is still 0.1p cheaper than next penny up', notes optimist

The petrol crisis isn’t as bad as it could be, as the price per litre is still a tenth of a penny below the next penny up, thanks to the benevolence of profit-making oil companies, noted a man today.

‘People should look on the bright side’, said Pete McBride, looking out of the window of his Ford Focus in a queue on the lead up to his local Esso garage. ‘The price per litre is still only 136.9, no wait, 137.9. People should thank their lucky stars that ‘big oil’ isn’t taking everyone for a ride by rounding the price up to the next penny every time they increase it. Look, 139.9.’

‘They’ve held the line for us, throughout, the big multinationals with their 0.9 thing’, continued McBride. ‘Even now that we’re facing the prospect of only being able to afford an eggcup of unleaded once a fortnight, you have to take your hat off to these oligopolists. They could easily just cream in the profits by nudging the price up another 0.1p but they never do. See, it's 141.9 now. Still looking out for the little guy. Respect to them. ’

‘The only problem is the time it takes people to pay. People are always fumbling around in their car seat wells for some 0.9 coins to pay with - they’re in such short supply’, said McBride. ‘Luckily I’ve perfected my forecourt technique so I manage to dispense to a full pence unit every time, I’ve actually never once ended up with 0.9 to pay’.

Image: Pixabay/stux

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