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Man convinced he’ll forget petrol pump number



A man has glanced back at least a dozen times to remind himself of the pump number on the 10 metre walk from petrol forecourt to the payment kiosk , it has been confirmed.


‘Pump 3, its pump 3…don’t forget to buy some milk…yep pump 3…why do petrol stations always sell barbecue coals outside in one of those big Perspex fronted receptacles….er…which was it again…ah yes pump 3, £1.99 for a Lion Bar Duo - ridiculous, PUMP BLOODY 3’, muttered Mike McBride’s inner dialogue at the Telford Town Centre Esso garage today.


Despite all these checks, McBride has confirmed he will still do a final check, with an exaggerated twist of his head towards the pump when he reaches the kiosk, before proudly announcing ‘pump 3 please’ to the attendant.


‘I knew which one it was anyway’, noted the kiosk attendant to himself, for the 100th time today.




Petrol Stations braced for Christmas Eve bonanza



The UK’s petrol stations are preparing for the Christmas Eve rush of men who have forgotten to buy Christmas presents for their significant others.


Petrol station manager Jodie Johnstone said 'The men arrive after the actual shops shut on Christmas Eve – metaphorical rabbits in literal headlights.' Johnstone shook her head. 'What woman doesn’t want a screwdriver set, a tin of biscuits and five sad looking carnations for Christmas?'


Warren Wright refused to make eye contact, mumbling 'If, in November or early December, I’d spent as much time buying presents online as I did complaining about Christmas getting earlier every year, then I wouldn’t be in this mess.'


'What do you think my mum would prefer: 240 cigarettes, an Ordnance Survey map or a 2 litre can of anti-freeze?'


All night garages braced for Valentine's Day shopping spree


All-night garages are implementing "Project Headless Chicken" to be ready for the traditional Valentine's Day Eve panic shopping bonanza.


"It's one of the 'golden days' - or should I say 'golden nights'", enthused Ron Jenkins of Clacton. "It's up there with Christmas eve. Men arrive with panic in their eyes and leave with tears - after they've seen the price of 1 rose and truly tasteless card."


Although things seem rosy, the rise of same day delivery by supermarkets did cause some concern in the industry.


"When the local Tesco's started home delivery, I had a nightmare vision of champagne and spring flowers being delivered at 9 in the morning.", said Mr Jenkins, "However, when the reality of substituted dog shampoo and spring onions turned up at 3am, I realised I had little to worry about."


image from pixabay

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