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Lotto winner: I'll fill up the car and turn on the heating




Car loving lotto winner Micheal Trippet, 37 from Stoud, yesterday spoke of his joy at receiving £1.8m in prize money.


"It's amazing, it means my dream can come true. Cars are my passion and now I have enough money to fill the tank."


Mr Trippet owns a 2007 Vauxhall Astra but hasn't been able to drive it since the price of fuel was driven up when Russia's lunatic-in-chief went full Dr Strangelove.


"It's just been sat on the drive for weeks. I'll have to put some air in the tires."


Personal finance expert Derek Hawthorne estimates Mr Trippet will be able to afford three full tanks of the 1.6 litre Astra with his winnings, after tax.


But Mr Tripper's is sharing his winnings with his wife, Janice 35, and she also has spending plans.


"I'm going to put the heating on." She said with an infectious giggle. "I can't believe it. We've been wearing these sleeping bags around the house for a month. My mother says there's no point as we'll all be superheated by nuclear armageddon soon enough, but I just think, sod it, I'm going to treat myself and just splurge on British Gas. Or is it Russian gas?"


Mr and Mrs Trippet are already planning their first drive, to the local supermarket. "It'll be nice to get behind the wheel again. And with a bit of luck we'll have a bit of cash left over to treat ourselves to some food from the Spar, if they've got anything on the shelves we can afford."


Author: Pagdog07



First published 10 Mar 2022



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Petrol pumps to be recalibrated to show contribution to oil company profits



Petrol pumps run by BP, Shell and others are to be recalibrated to show in real time how much you are contributing to the profits of big oil every time you fill up your car, it has been confirmed.


‘Look, everyone knows we are making a sickening amount of money every time you touch that petrol pump’, said Mike Stetson, Chief Executive of lobbying firm, Oil be Back.


‘It’s about time we now celebrated this greed in all its’ obscene glory.'


‘Look, there we go, you spilt a drop as you tried to wiggle the pump back into the holster. That’s an extra quid into our pockets – thanks a lot, mate, it all counts



image from pixabay

Government to phase out petrol and diesel cars by removing brakes



In a move that's being described as "a watershed in environmental progress", internal combustion car owners will have to drive without brake pedals from today. 'This will "speed up" the move to carbon-neutral transport', quipped Department of Transport spokesman Eric Lambert. 'Pedestrians are advised to stay indoors until the transition is completed'.


Meanwhile, scrapyards throughout the country are on standby for a windfall of twisted metal. Motorway services are being stocked with duty-free booze, so that drivers can steady their nerves before braving the horrific pileups and Mad Max driving conditions.


'Once again, Britain is setting an example to the rest of the world. I suppose you could call our policy the express lane to a cleaner environment', said Mr Lambert. 'Within 12 months, fossil fuel vehicles will be a thing of the past. We expect the last gas-guzzler to drive over a cliff around the end of 2023'.


Reaction from motorists has been mixed. 'It's like having a limb removed - I'm still trying to come to terms with that empty space between the clutch and the accelerator', says Top Gear fan Martin Reeves, as he blasts up the M1 at 100mph in his brakeless Audi. 'But everything should be OK. If there's an emergency, I'll just find a nice shock-absorbent barrier to crash into - preferably a bunch of eco-protesters'.

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