Pensioners asked to 'Eke Out to Help Out' as they lose Winter Fuel Allowance

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Government to offer pensioners ‘winter pants'

The Government has accepted that withdrawing the winter fuel allowance will affect many pensioners.  Although it is adamant that the policy change cannot be reversed, it has, in a conciliatory move, announced transitional measures to help the worst affected.

‘Obviously,’ said a spokesman, ‘we would ideally help pensioners to insulate their draughty homes.  But this would not be affordable.  Our new policy approach, therefore, is to insulate the pensioners rather than the homes.

‘We will offer all pensioners two pairs of high-performance thermal under-drawers to keep them warm this winter, and for the next five years.  These garments are favoured by polar explorers and are colloquially known as ‘winter pants’.  We are providing two pairs so that pensioners can wear one pair while the other pair is in the wash.   If winter temperatures remain below zero for five successive days then this will trigger the issue of a third pair (requires internet access, opt-in, newsletter sign-up and Labour votes in local elections).

‘I’m expecting some dim-witted headlines about the policy being pants. My only comment is the failed Tory opposition had a portfolio of policies which were all pants.’

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Tories promise to allow pensioners to 'thwack the young with sticks'

A new Conservative Party election promise will make it legal, maybe even compulsory, for old people to thwack young people with sticks. Should the young person resist, they will be jailed indefinitely and their vote transferred to the pensioner whose attack was illegally thwarted.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers salivated 'It's the only language they understand. Maybe we can beat the hope out of them. Once they've abandoned hope, they can enter here - Tory Britain that is.'

Pensioner Ian Ingram shouted 'The Tories promised me eternal youth, so I'll vote for them.'

Teenager Oscar Oldroyd said 'Public services are grinding to a halt, I'll never be able to afford a house and there are rivers of actual turds. You want to hit me with a literal stick as well? Fire away, Grandad. Fire away.'

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