Frozen pensioners to be cryogenically preserved

The government has offered new hope to elderly people found dead in their Arctically-heated flats. Labour promises to keep them frozen until such time as they can be revived and resume their lives in a world where climate change has made winter a thing of the past.

'Pensioners should see this as an opportunity. Many are living in conditions ideal for sub-zero preservation', says a government spokesperson. 'From there they can be moved to a cryogenic storage facility to free up space for new tenants'. People going blue with the cold can take comfort in the fact that it could be the first step to a new life in the 22nd century.

However, Tory critics are acccusing the government of 'stockpiling future Labour voters' at taxpayers' expense. Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg opposes the measure: 'I know what it's like to wake up in the wrong century and I wouldn't wish it on anybody'.

Image: WixAI

Starmer: Nuclear Armagedon will keep OAPs warm

The Government have a radical plan to heat UK homes this winter, by goading Putin into WW3. Instead of breaking tariffs and importing costly Russian gas, we will get weapons-grade nuclear energy dropped directly on our homes - for free!

The Foreign Office insisted: 'If any elderly are still alive afterwards to complain about the cost of heating, they'll have all that lovely radiation to keep them warm. Just like the Ready Brek advert where everyone glows on the inside, but with the added benefit of bleeding from every orifice.'

Despite Russia delivering the bombs for free, householders will still need to pay UK energy providers. 'We may be faced with nuclear extinction but it's still important for shareholders to turn a profit. This may be the end of all life on earth, but nationalisation? Over my dead body!'

image from pixabay

Official: Tory corruption was as infectious as Covid-19