Nodame Dorries

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Peerages to be sold as timeshares

Following revelations that a peerage can cost as much as £100k in donations to the Conservative Party, senior Conservatives have proposed a timeshare system to democratise the institution.

'Most ordinary families can barely afford to heat their stables', a spokesman told us. '100k is quite a lot of spare cash to find. So we came up with the idea of revitalising the timeshare concept'.

Timeshare Lords – not to be confused with Time Lords – will be entitled to call themselves "Lord" or "Lady" for one month of the year. Months when the Lords are sitting will be more expensive as Lords will be able to claim expenses of £323 per day plus a first class rail ticket to London.

If the scheme goes well there are plans to let Ticketmaster create a secondary market in peerages for key debates and Christmas shopping trips, and possibly a corporate entertainment option.

Moscow-based spiv ‘Vlad P’ has expressed an interest in swapping ‘a number’ of peerages for missile defence systems, bullets and first aid kits, though he has made it clear that none of his MPs are up for sale.

Nominations for House of Lords to include the Mouth of Sauron

As always, the list includes the absolute dregs of humanity and half the cast Gremlins. If there was roll call of morons, this is it. It should be noted, in 2020 House of Lords beat Mos Eisley to the title of most ‘Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy’ for the tenth time.

The nominations will be confirmed once HR has received their character references from Beelzebub. Meanwhile Santa is said to be angry that his Naughty List has been plagiarized.

Said the Mouth: ‘After a lifetime of evil doing, I’m just glad to be spoken of in the same sentence of Paul Dacre. I may be the Mouth of Sauron but he is surely the Anus of Hell.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/makyfoto-448289/