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A General remarked: ‘We’re here to navigate the difficult path from conflict to peace, and to decide whether it’s this week that the garden waste bin goes out. Marital lines have been crossed, with both homeowners blaming the other for atrocities, such as trying to sneak pizza boxes in with the recycling.
‘We’ve seen examples of war crimes, with bin bags not being tied up and someone leaving week-old prawns uncovered. Neighbours have taken collateral damage, with unattended polystyrene packaging blowing up and down the cul-de-sac. We’ve even had reports of flowerbed border incursions and what looks to be a child’s mattress dumped on a lawn.
‘You’re going to see a lot of blue helmets on the ground – which will probably be filled with old tea bags’.
Taking inspiration from the shifting ethics of the British banking sector, President Putin has agreed to withdraw troops from the border provided he can deposit seized Ukrainian assets into a Swiss Bank account. In exchange for a cessation of violence, Vladimir Putin will be given a life peerage, an offshore account and a place on the board of HSBC.
Worryingly Russian expansion has been on the rise ever since they forcibly relocated Crimea to the Cayman Islands. HMRC has offered to broker a peace deal; a spokesperson said: ‘Technically it’s not an invasion, it’s a leverage buyout – which will also involve annexing Poland as a charitable trust’.
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