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'
It's gone too far now,' observed 17-stone Rob Franks, a hotel front of house manager from Romford.
'I like to sink a few pints of Lidl Premium Pils with my mates after dealing with a very demanding clientele all day. Now the idiots who run the NHS have run out of test kits. I mean, how do I keep an eye on how many I've had? It's out of order. I can understand them running out of non-essential bits and bobs like PCR tests, but lager flow tests? It's utterly bonkers.'
Rob's girlfriend, Tarquina agreed. 'As Rob said, he likes a pint, but not having any lager flow tests so he can keep an eye on his pintage consumption is just completely irresponsible of the government. Let's be honest, we all know there's a fine line between drinking responsibly and punching someone in the face for asking you to keep it down a bit.'
Walking dead old grey matter gnawers have insisted that there will be implications for anyone who does not have a negative lateral flow test certificate.
'Ideally, victims should be in possession of official documentation clearly stating that they have had a negative PCR test within the last 48 hours,' wailed Terry, a senior member of the mind muncher community. 'But times have been tough for everyone, and most zombies I've moaned at have suggested that they would be willing to accept lateral flow test results up to 72 hours prior to the time of attack.'
'Look, we're all a bit twitchy about this new variant, and until we know more, we're not taking any chances. A mate of mine in the vampire community has said that they will not bite the necks of anyone who isn't wearing an FP2 approved face covering. If you ask me, that's going too far, but at least it shows a bit of consideration. Better than those sodding werewolves, anyway. They'll rip anyone to pieces without a second thought. But, then again, they lick their own genitals, so what do you expect?'
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