Boris ‘playing 4-D Eurovision chess’

Boris Johnson has been unmasked as the brilliant architect of a secret 20-year plan to win Eurovision.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst was one of the few aides in the know ‘Boris was a massive fan of 2003's nul pointers Jemini. Boris knew we needed a comeback story so first he had to make all of Europe hate us. Hence Brexit. Then he had to make Europe feel sorry for us, by making life excruciatingly miserable here. Hence Brexit, austerity, NHS underfunding, corruption, racism, Covid contracts, partygate and Priti Patel in general. Lastly, he needed a villain, so Boris took dodgy Russian money for the Tories and laundered more through London. Next year sympathy for Ukraine will be down and Britannia will rule the sound waves.’

‘Clearly, Cheryl Baker’s skirt being whipped off had quite the effect on the young Boris.’

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/piro4d-2707530/

Johnson to be accompanied by a circus clown during all future TV and media appearances

Number Ten has announced because everyone in the country is so fed up listening to Boris Johnson trotting out an endless stream lies and risible shite, that from today and in all subsequent media appearances, his message will be conveyed through the medium of mime performed by a circus clown.

And in a controversial break from normal protocols, it is understood this will also be the format during PMQs, when Mr Johnson will be joined weekly at the despatch box by the newly appointed Minister of Mirth (he's a cheerful chappie boys and girls) Cheeky Charlie Chuckles.

A spokesman told reporters: "The PM will whisper to Charlie to translate the words to mime, while for added clarity, Charlie will also use a set of antique car horns to toot something along the lines of: ‘Parp-parp… burmff. Parp… blare… squeak-squeal-squawk. Parpity parp-parp-parp. Buroooof.’

Reporters leaving today's briefing were upbeat giving the new system a cautious welcome, with many saying it had to be a massive improvement on the current arrangement. "We now may just finally have something vaguely believable to report," commented one hack.

Revealed: probe to be used for Partygate Enquiry