Journalist: Worst thing Boris ever did was have a party

While Mr.Johnson's ex-wives would beg to differ, apparently an illicit office party is the worst thing he has ever lied about. Standing next to a bus with £350million printed on it, one reporter said he could think of no other time Boris misled the country.

'Thanks to years of undercover investigation, we have finally revealed the greatest scandal of all time. And by years of investigation, I mean ten seconds scrolling someone's Facebook page.'

He remarked smugly: 'We called it Partygate because it's exactly on the same scale as Richard Nixon's electoral crimes. If anything, this is worse because it involved cake. By the way, I'm very clever.' Asked if he thought this was a massive distraction from thousands of unnecessary Covid deaths and industrial scale corruption, he replied: 'Nope. I'm very clever.'

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Boris put a lot of work into making his written statement

Tory Outrage Machine in danger of overheating

The Conservative Party’s faux outrage machine may overheat following Labour’s decision to hire Sue Gray and Boris Johnson’s decision to be guilty of all charges, but still maintain that he isn’t. Even though he is, as the Tories love law and order, but don’t think it applies to them.

A spokesperson for Sue Gray said ‘She’s so neutral, even her name is Gray. As a civil servant, she worked with the Conservative government of the day. She’s been exposed to so much cognitive dissonance, maybe joining Labour is a cry for psychological help.’

Tory intern Hootington-Hurst walloped the outrage machine with a spanner saying ‘To operate this machine you need to wear high quality PPE, not the kind of PPE that Matt Hancock would source. Much like Isabel Oakeshott, that is way too leaky.’

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