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That Sue Gray report in full (Met Police mix)



On some dates in/around/near Downing Street some people may or may not have met in gatherings greater than guidance may or may not have suggested/mandated and who may or may not have been working/drinking/singing.


The Civil Service thanks all for being forthright and will publish the remaining parts that may or may not be subject to police actions promptly on or before February 1, 2054


signed (redacted)

pp Sue Gray


Sue Gray breaks official world record for longest printer jam



The Guinness Book of Records has officially declared Sue Gray as the new world record holder for 'longest printer jam', a title traditionally held by Mitch McConnell of the American Republican party.


Grey's printer has now been jammed for over 72 hours, beating McConnell by 5 hours. Observers are unclear as to the cause of the jam. Some claim that it's a rogue champagne cork, others that the printer is literally choking itself with disbelief. Some even go so far as to assert that the jam is caused by actual jam.


The original jam occurred on page 22,342 of the 22,343 page document, which witnesses claim was "really annoying". When Grey tried to pull the page out it tore in half and then the printer made this weird sound and a red light that no had ever seen before started flashing. The police were called and they did that thing where you kind of roughly shake the drawer part. When that failed, Westminster called in the photocopier manufacturers who are still working on "having a think about it" and maybe "calling China for some kind of special spring"


Sue Gray is using the extra time to review the term 'bunch of fuckwits' with her legal team.


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