Durham Police explained: ‘Technically they both broke a law, that no one wanted, other than themselves, but that is not why we are charging them. Guests at both have now attested to how mind-numbingly awful both events were. Warm beer, cold chips and not a bouncy castle in sight’.
A spokesperson for Number 10 said: ‘At least our party had a clown at it’.
The government has today expressed serious concerns about P&O boss Peter Hebblethwaite 'knowingly breaking the law.
'People in authority shouldn't assume the laws of the land don't apply to them if they are inconvenient,' said a government spokesperson. 'They have to understand, we're all in this together. Laws are made so that they all apply to to everyone, regardless of their status, wealth or standing in the community.'
The spokesperson agreed that someone knowing breaking the laws should resign 'immediately'. When asked if that statement applied to government ministers, special advisors and senior Civil Servants the spokesperson appeared to have a coughing fit and hasn't been seen since. We'll bring you the rest of this news story as soon as Hell freezes over, or Sue Gray's report gets published, whichever is the soonest.
Water company engineers have successfully unblocked the drains in Downing Street today. After reports of problems, the water company expected to find the sewer blocked with a fatberg but Instead, they found that the blockage was caused by what they have described as the biggest ‘partyberg’ they have ever come across.
A spokesman said that a large blockage had been removed from the sewers near Downing Street. The blockage consisted of a large quantity of used paper plates, cake wrappers, streamers, bunting, crisp packets, discarded underwear, dog hair, maltesers (probably), shepherds pie, plastic novelty policemen’s helmets, House of Commons order papers and direct debit forms for Tory party donations. The toxic mix caused sewers to back up in Downing Street, where the stink appears to have gone unnoticed.
Residents and businesses in the area have received leaflets about what can and cannot be disposed of safely by flushing it away. A spokesman for Number 10 refused to comment on the reports and said that the water company was speaking out of its bottom.
