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Bradford knows he’s the lead in a third rate parody. However, his ambition is to be the lead in a Dan Brown story, but doesn’t know if he has to dumb up or down for the gig.


In ‘The Last Simple’, Bradford, a professor of Simpology from Harvard, follows clues left by the illiterati, ignoranti and even the bingoranti as he tries to track down the kidnapper of Lord Bartholomew. Aided by Lord Bartholomew’s daughter, Lady Bartholomew, and her loathsome manservant Belsen, Bradford has to evade arrest by not one, but two Buffoons of a Copper while bouncing around the renowned cultural centres of Northern England, from Lincoln Cathedral to Blackpool Tower.


Aided by Surly Teabing, the rudest man in England, while dodging Teabing’s servant Snivell, Bradford finds himself in a race against time, logic, bad jokes, ridiculous puns and awful gags as he searches for the Last Simple in an improbable if unbelievable storyline.


This a laugh a minute book, assuming you’re a very fast reader.


Includes the Christmas Special and at least one deleted chapter.





Ray Sullivan is a writer and editor for Newsbiscuit. He has ten novels published ranging in genres from comedy, science fiction and thrillers.





Bradford knows he’s the lead in a third rate parody. However, his ambition is to be the lead in a Dan Brown story, but doesn’t know if he has to dumb up or down for the gig.


In ‘The Last Simple’, Bradford, a professor of Simpology from Harvard, follows clues left by the illiterati, ignoranti and even the bingoranti as he tries to track down the kidnapper of Lord Bartholomew. Aided by Lord Bartholomew’s daughter, Lady Bartholomew, and her loathsome manservant Belsen, Bradford has to evade arrest by not one, but two Buffoons of a Copper while bouncing around the renowned cultural centres of Northern England, from Lincoln Cathedral to Blackpool Tower.


Aided by Surly Teabing, the rudest man in England, while dodging Teabing’s servant Snivell, Bradford finds himself in a race against time, logic, bad jokes, ridiculous puns and awful gags as he searches for the Last Simple in an improbable if unbelievable storyline.


This a laugh a minute book, assuming you’re a very fast reader.


Includes the Christmas Special and at least one deleted chapter.





Ray Sullivan is a writer and editor for Newsbiscuit. He has ten novels published ranging in genres from comedy, science fiction and thrillers.






Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?


Facing a landslide, no escape from reality


Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see


I'm just a To - ry, I’ll get no sympathy


Because I'm easy come, easy go, rose too high, falling low


Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me





Tories, I screwed it up


I put a gun against your head


I called election, now you’re dead


Tories, my term had just begun


But now I've gone and thrown it all away


Tories, ooh-ooh, looks like you’re gonna fry


If I'm not back again this time tomorrow


Vote me out, vote me out, the country is in tatters





Too late, the polls have come


Send shivers down my spine, MPs lying all the time


Goodbye, everybody, I'm going to go


Gotta leave you all behind to emigrate


Tories, ooh-ooh (any way the cash goes)


I’m not gonna die


But I sometimes wish I never had stood at all





I see a little spineless tosser of a man


Roland Rat, Roland Rat, will you do us all a favour?


Arguing and fighting, very, very frightening me


(Nigel Farage) Boris Johnson, (Nigel Farage) Boris Johnson


They’re the ones to blame - and bloody Go-o-o-o-ove





I'm just a rich boy, nobody loves me


He's just a bell-end from a rich family


Spare his rich wife from this monstrous defeat





Easy con, track and trace, money in a sack


Michelle Mone


No, she will not give it back (give it back)


Michelle Mone


No, she will not give it back (give it back)


Michelle Mone


No, she will not give it back (give it back)


She will not give it back (give it back)


She will not give it back (give it back)


She will not give it back (give it back)


Never, never, never, got a boat to fund


No, no, no, no, no, no, no





Oh, Maggie Thatcher, Maggie Thatcher


Maggie Thatcher, let me go


Americans have a job put aside for me, for me, for me





So you think you can dump me and spit in my eye?


So you think you can hate me and leave me to die?


Oh, Tories, can't do this to me, Tories


Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here


Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah





Nothing really matters, except my money


Nothing else matters


Nothing else matters to me


Any way the wind blows, he'll go




H/T Sinnick for lyric suggestions


Image: Sinnick & Modelmaker


With apologies to Mick Rock, Photographer and the estate of Freddy Mercury, Songwriter.



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