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China fails to break UK democracy as someone got there first



The Chinese Ambassador admitted: 'We hacked your electoral roll, only to discover three names left on it - Peter Mandelson, Eddie the Eagle and Bolton Wanderers FC. Someone had already deleted millions of voters and replaced them with a gallery of erotic photographs of Prince Andrew and a lubricated garden gnome.'


Further attempts to undermine MPs were thwarted by the MPs own voting record. 'We'd hoped to create fake stories of lurid sex scandals and financial wrongdoing, but nothing prepared us for Rishi Sunak's debauched WhatsApp group and Keir Starmer's sock drawer.


'We have a strong suspicion that the UK may be a front for an elaborate money laundering scheme, while the real UK is based in the Cayman Islands. Having hacked into the UK we are now worried our computers might have picked up a virus. And judging by your Ministers, its probably Syphilis.'


Image: Newsbiscuit

"Parliament is for us, not you" sneer Britain’s MPs

"You may have been labouring under the delusion that Parliament was a body you voted for to pass laws for the public's greater good," sneered a Scottish Nationalist MP. How misguided can you ignorant suckers be? Parliament exists purely as a publicly-funded, private debating club where 650 argumentative, scheming little pricks try and pull the rug from under each others' feet. That's because we think it is fun.


"For example, us slimy little toads in the SNP spotted a chance to make Starmer unpopular with dozens of Labour MPs by opposing our motion for a ceasefire in Gaza. It doesn't matter that he disagreed with the wording. We were banking on being able to say that he doesn't want peace in Gaza, and then stuffing leaflets about it through people's doors in Scotland.


"We were in on this from the start," sneered a morally bankrupt Tory, "so we agree that it's an absolute disgrace that the Speaker wrecked our pathetic little plans. It's the worst thing that's happened to democracy for several hundred years, and people need to know just how much this really, really matters. It spells the end of all that's great about our Awful Little Shits' Debating Club.


"What are you saying about the war in Gaza? Was that what we were debating? Well, nothing us lot says will change anything there, will it? That's why we felt free to play our rotten little point-scoring games when the matter was raised."




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