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Panicking shoppers restricted to three mince pies and a turkey



With only 305 shopping days left until Christmas, anxious shoppers have reported seeing a shortage of stollen and chocolate coins on supermarket shelves. The main supermarkets admit they are experiencing supply chain issues with fur tree growers and advent calendar manufacturers. Panicking shoppers have begun camping overnight outside stores, and police have made a number of arrests for violent disorder.


A shopper in Ipswich said: ‘Everything was fine until someone told me not to panic. As soon as I heard there were no mince pies at Asda, I went on eBay and got one for fifty quid.’


It is believed the panic was made worse when 'Stop the Cavalry' was accidentally broadcast on a Tannoy system.



NewsBiscuit Editorial insists that fur trees do exist, tortoiseshell being the most common variety.



All night garages braced for Valentine's Day shopping spree


All-night garages are implementing "Project Headless Chicken" to be ready for the traditional Valentine's Day Eve panic shopping bonanza.


"It's one of the 'golden days' - or should I say 'golden nights'", enthused Ron Jenkins of Clacton. "It's up there with Christmas eve. Men arrive with panic in their eyes and leave with tears - after they've seen the price of 1 rose and truly tasteless card."


Although things seem rosy, the rise of same day delivery by supermarkets did cause some concern in the industry.


"When the local Tesco's started home delivery, I had a nightmare vision of champagne and spring flowers being delivered at 9 in the morning.", said Mr Jenkins, "However, when the reality of substituted dog shampoo and spring onions turned up at 3am, I realised I had little to worry about."


image from pixabay

Panic buying returns up north as high streets run out of Frankincense and Myrhh


There were chaotic scenes yesterday as dim-witted northern shoppers rushed to stockpile exotic substances for no apparent reason. Six elderly people were trampled to death and emergency services have been reportedly overwhelmed


‘Buggered if I know what Frankincense or bloody Mryhh is,’ said Beryl Hargreaves, an organic toenail painter from Pontefract. ‘Any road, Diedre at number nineteen said I’d best get some in, ‘cos you never know. So I traipsed down to the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker, and the beggars had all sold out.


‘Lidl did have some own brand Frankincense come in, but the shelves were stripped bare in a thirty second stampede. The world’s gone completely mad.’


A spokesperson for the British Retail Consortium blamed the shortages on the supply chain crisis. ‘We have over thirty container ships stuck in the Sea of Galilee at the moment fully loaded with tons of pointless crap. Our thoughts and prayers at this sad time are with the idiots and the families of idiots who decided to go out and buy stuff they don’t really need.






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