Saudi homophobia sorted, Henderson to address dope use next

Footballer Jordan Henderson’s mission to tackle all the ills of humanity has moved on to the next project. Henderson moved from Liverpool to Saudi Arabia six months ago for football reasons and to educate the locals about same-sex relationships, and definitely not just for the reported £700,000 a week.

Amazing progress has been made in Saudi and so Jordan has decided to move for some different football reasons, and has joined Ajax of Amsterdam to campaign against widespread cannabis use in the city.

Despite having signed a long and lucrative contract with Ajax, Henderson is expected to move on very quickly, such is his influence on the local population. Speculating on his next move, Jordan’s representatives would not dismiss the possibility of him addressing anti-semitic views in Palestine, racism in Bulgarian football or accusations of Joey Barton’s sexism.

‘I think we can rule out Jordan moving to Scotland though,’ said the agency. ‘He may be an incredibly powerful advocate against almost all forms of prejudice but he’s never going to address their anti-English feelings’.

image from pixabay

One famous Palestinian not very happy about what’s being done on his birthday

Remarked the renowned carpenter's apprentice: 'I was hoping for the usual frankincense and Lynx Africa deodorant set. Instead, I got the IDF kicking in the stable door and shooting the wise men in the head. It’s been a month without clean water – and not a Brussel sprout in sight.'

'Normally the worst thing about having your Birthday at Xmas is that you get half the number of presents. Now the worst thing is that there are no children left alive to act out the Nativity. And I was hoping for a white Christmas and all I got was white phosphorus.'

'Easter always used to depress me, because of you know what, but now they’ve ruined Christmas – even more than Cliff Richard. Everyone wants Peace on Earth... except in Gaza it seems.'

Image: Simone Dinoia (@erraticframe) | Unsplash Photo Community

Palestinians 'daft' to build all their hospitals on tunnels

An exasperated nurse said: 'Of all the places to put a hospital. I mean, what are the chances? I thought it was a wine cellar.'

Much of the blame has been placed on the architect, who specializes in retirement bungalows, built on top of munition dumps. Israel claims any underground network is the work of Hamas, but Hamas say it is just very large rabbits.

The fact that no tunnels have been found yet has not disheartened the IDF: 'Of course we know where to bomb. We just look for the top of a kid's head. Tough on dandruff, tough on the causes of dandruff.'

Cave Tunnel Underground - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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