Five things we've learned from Meghan's Netflix interview

1. We'd forgotten who she is.

2. We'll never get that time back.

3. Watching paint dry is fun by comparison.

4. We wasted our money on Netflix.

5. We'd forgotten who who is?

image from pixabay

Relation of Michelangelo does awful job of kitchen ceiling

A man whose ancestor painted the Cistine Chapel ceiling has found that none of his exquisite artistry has been passed down.

When Mary Thompson asked husband Derek to give the kitchen ceiling a lick of paint, she did so in the confidence that he’d do a excellent job knowing his great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather was the Renaissance supremo, Michelangelo.

“Derek made a huge deal about tracing his ancestry back to 16th century Italy, and he was like a peacock on speed when the ancestry results revealed a direct hereditary link to one of humanity’s greatest artists.

“He moaned and whinged for weeks before: the light wasn’t right, the surface was uneven, even the paint wasn’t the right shade of white. I thought he’s definitely got some of Michelangelo’s perfectionist qualities. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

“When he finally started painting I couldn’t believe my eyes. It went everywhere: onto the walls, dripping all over the surfaces, there was more on him than the ceiling. It was a total f**king mess. And how do you give yourself an electric shock and kill four goldfish painting a ceiling?

“I wasn’t expecting the Cistine Chapel, but he’d have done a better job spreading the paint with a dead octopus instead of a brush.”

Tortured artist, Thompson, said: “Michelangelo got handsomely paid for his work, all I’ll get is farmed out by Mary to friends and neighbours for free. Do you know how personally gruelling it was for me to do such a shit job?”

Image stux - Pixabay

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Britain to be matt-finished by 2035

PM Sir Keir Starmer has reiterated his commitment to have nothing shiny left in Britain within the next decade. In a statement today the prime minister doubled-down on his manifesto pledge to eradicate all sparkliness and glitz from the nation.

A spokesperson for the PM, commented: “The PM firmly believes the ten-year target of matt-finishing Britain is achievable. He’s pleased with the progress so far in the areas of domestic window frames and drug dealers’ cars, and hopes these seismic shifts in exterior finishes will have a knock-on effect in dulling-down the appearance of Britain for future generations.”

Supporters of the proposals include manufacturers of paint, who welcomed the commitment, stating that although gloss paint looks nice, matt emulsion was cheaper to produce and less harmful when consumed by children.

Not everyone shares the PM’s fuzzy vision; uproar was felt within the pearly community, with the king and queen of the kings and queens suggesting that they’d look ridiculous with little circles of denim or tweed sewn on to their suits.

image from pixabay