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Government defends Reeves' claim she walked on the Moon



"Rachel is a key member of Labour's team who has got Britain's economy booming again with her masterfully shrewd Budget measures," lied a Downing Street spokesman.


"She has stated that she used to be an economist at HBOS and we are telling you that there is no reason at all to doubt that, just because it's untrue.


"And we forbid you to disbelieve Ms Reeves when she says she took a trip the Moon in her gap year and strolled around on its surface, planting daffodils.


"OK, it's a bit of a stretch - but compared to the fibs we all had to tell on Boris Johnson's behalf, it's pretty much gospel truth."


Rachel Reeves got a second-class degree from Oxford in Politics, Philosophy and Being Economical with the Truth. She then worked as a mediocrity in the financial sector and now serves Britain by driving farms and small businesses into bankruptcy.


image from pixabay


Oxford Boat Club to stop selecting rowers based on floppy hair


Following yet another Boat Race defeat, the Oxford Boat Club has vowed they will no longer select rowers based on the floppiness of their hair.



“Looking back at the trials, there were some pretty good rowers who never made it to the last 8,” said club president Jeremy Berkshire. “But they all had awful hair - curly, too short, ginger... you just couldn’t imagine it bouncing seductively as they ran towards you in slow motion wearing cricket whites,” he added, before wondering if he’d said that out loud.



“One of them even had fuzzy hair - I think he may have been foreign. His food certainly looked a bit spicy.”



He confirmed they’d also excluded some people on the grounds that they weren’t called Jeremy, Sebastian or Rupert.



“But that stops today - from now on, we pick rowers entirely on the basis of rowing ability. Provided they went to a good school and their pa works with mine, but I think that goes without saying.”


Boat Race Betting (and Pooping) Guide



The 2024 Oxford versus Cambridge University Boat Race was predicted to be a sluggish affair. Both crews had prepared well for this year's row, bringing their own nose pegs. Or earplugs, depending on how you just read the word 'row'.


Those watching from bridges over the Thames were distracted by an endless game of pooh-sticks, all of the countless vessels made from real, genuine poo. As expected, Cambridge pushed out hard, but in a considerably more thrilling race than usual, the winner was a turd from Luton College.


Organisers of the race said, 'Yet another great tradition has been ruined by @rseholes from Oxbridge. In future, the event will be renamed the University Floater Race.'


Here is Newsbiscuit's unofficial betting guide to the 2024 Boat Race:


Oxford Win 7-5

Cambridge Win 7-5

Cambridge team turn up late due to Easter Bank Holiday traffic 15-1

Arrival of dolphin pod delays start of race 750-1

Angry swan breaks arm (either) of Cambridge Cockswain 300-1

Rowers (at least three) contract fulminant dose of E. coli 5-1

Rowers (at least one) contract Weil's disease 25-1

Luton College Win 5,000-1

Oxford's Ukrainian Cockswain killed in Russian drone attack 85,000,000-1

Hammersmith Bridge destroyed due to collision 100,500,000-1


Please gamble responsibly with your investors' cryptocurrency.


Authors: SteveB, Ashbery


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