Oompa Loompas respond to old book debate with diss track

Oompa loompa doompety dest

We've got a thing to get off our chest

Oompa loompa doompety day

Though we are small, we've something to say

What do you get when you rewrite old books?

Twitter pile on and cynical looks

Causing a fuss over gender and sex

Wont change the meaning of those texts

Oompa loompa doompety dat

People go bald and are ugly and fat

If you're a writer, take this advice

Stories are best when they're not at all nice

You say that it's bad cos the story's unfair

Tweak the odd word, add a bit here and there

We have to abide by the critical folk

But you don't like it when they say you're 'woke'

Oompa loompa doompety dime

Cancelling's good when it's Amazon Prime

But implications are vast

When you try to censor the past

Stories reflect all the faults of their time

Stop us from thinking that things were are all fine

Didn't you spot when you made us all white

Loompas are less than half your height?

Oompa loompa doompety dune

Learn from the words of this cautionary tune

Cancel culture will go its way too

As the Oompa Loompas surely will do

Image: loleia Photos | FreeImages

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Willy Wonka to scrap 'Golden Ticket'

Golden Tickets offering foreign children fast-track visits to the Chocolate Factory are expected to be scrapped by Willy Wonka, amid pressure over links to Mike Teavee and Augustus Gloop.

A source confirmed reports of an announcement next week on those spending at least £2m on bars of chocolate.

The scheme was introduced to find someone to take over the confectionery empire, but it has been under review for some time after concerns it is open to abuse.

It is still open to the rich, such as Veruca Salt who is immature, over-indulged and manipulative, fitting right in with current government policy. Anyone who has very rich parents and lives in a mansion is welcome, especially if they have affluent parents who will give them anything they want, no matter how ridiculous the price including contracts for PPE. It is very important that they express no gratitude at all for what they are given.

However, an Oompa Loompa spokesperson was keen to promote 'levelling up' which also encourages applications from less well off children, such as Charlie Bucket who lives in a single roomed house with his entire family.

image from pixabay

Netflix buy Roald Dahl's books so rich corporations can get a happy ending

The global streaming service has said it intends to make a few tweaks to Dahl’s books, to ensure that ‘Arthur Slugworth gets fair representation’. In a surprising plot twist, Charlie finds a golden ticket, only to have an injunction taken out against him by Veruca Salt. The Oompa Loompas are deported and everyone gets stage two diabetes.

‘We want the books to have endings that reflect the reality of late-stage capitalism,’ explained a producer. ‘It makes much more sense for Willy Wonka to float his firm on the stock market, rather than bequeath it to a boy whose own grandparents fake being bed ridden, in order to scrounge benefits.’

With the new versions, Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker successfully sell their peach stockpiles to Tesco and unwanted grubs to ITV’s ‘Bushtucker Trial’. Miss Trunchball establishes a successful academy chain. While The Grand High Witch gets her wish to wipe out of children in the UK, by turning Marcus Rashford into a mouse.

Said the author’s estate. ‘It’s what Roald would have wanted... BFG... Big F$ckin Greed’