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Cat achieves 8,000 rpm after tail caught in fan



The CPS, no, the other one, the Cat Protection Society, has warned members of the public about the danger of fans following a spate of high speed circular meowing.


Head of the CPS, Keith Shawarma said, 'One owner experienced the trauma of witnessing her beloved Fluffy not only being rotated at extreme velocity, but also swaying from left to right in slow motion due to the high level functionality of the fan. She found it strangely hypnotic, and it was 20 minutes before she finally turned it up to 3.


'We recommend that during this period of extreme heat, those totally owned by felines should turn all fans off and remain sweaty. Especially those in households without enough room to swing a cat. Otherwise the purring and screeching is also accompanied by thumping noises.'


Videos posted on YouTube showing rapidly revolving pussies have been strongly criticised. 'Clearly they should be uploaded to OnlyFans.'


Rishi offers nudes in profile

As support slumps, the beleaguered PM has been forced to lure voters with erotic clickbait and items of Ministerial underwear. He has sprinkled his speeches with eye catching headlines as - 'Naked Greed', 'Rwanda policy stripped bare' and 'One colossal tit'.


An aide explained: 'Rishi guarantees 2.5% of GDP will be spent on defence and Viagra. He may be a bit behind in the polls but his pole is throbbing behind your bits. Oh yes, he'll put the dirty into dirty politics. It's erection day, baby!'


Coughing awkwardly, he admitted: 'Although, just to confirm, we won't be setting up an OnlyFans account, as that requires him to have some actual fans.'




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