UK economy now 90% AI, scented candles and OnlyFans

The stagnant growth in the UK is being attributed to the fact that the last time we made something, it was on a Spinning Jenny. GDP is currently based on YouTube likes and fidget spinners. Manufacturing has ground to a halt and the only successful industries are personalized calendars of Kate Middleton and reasons to hate Keir Starmer.

A spokeswoman for the Chancellor countered: 'I do not accept your characterization, we have enabled a 175% growth in molesters and embezzlers. We have seen a twofold increase in flooding. And we are doing a booming trade in international war crimes and exporting forever chemicals. The UK is a world leader - just not in anything you would be proud of'.

The Chancellor is struggling to boost growth - unless by growth you mean NHS waiting lists. The only positive is that bioengineers have managed to turn Fatbergs into perfume. Provided the UK has an unlimited supply of unwanted fat lumps, this industry will continue to grow. So there is a use for James Corden after all.

image from pixabay

Elon Musk “mostly rich from posting feet on OnlyFans”

Elon Musk admitted today that the bulk of his fortune comes not from Tesla or SpaceX, and certainly not from X (formerly Twitter), but from posting pictures of his feet to OnlyFans. 

“I don’t know why you guys are so surprised,” Musk told reporters today. “SpaceX makes huge losses, even when we manage to launch a rocket without it blowing up. Tesla just had to issue the sixth recall this year for the Cybertruck. And don’t get me started on X, which even landmine manufacturers won’t advertise on now.

”Yeah, things were looking pretty bleak until I realised I could make serious dough posting pictures of my feet. 

“Gotta be honest, I never thought they were that attractive. But it seems like there are some weird people out there. And most of them follow me on X already, so it was easy to send them a link to my new site.

”Since then, it’s been my only reliable income stream, pretty much subsidising all the businesses I’m running into the ground.

”I thought I might have to take a break over the summer when I got athlete’s foot, but, er… did I mention there are some weird people out there?”

Asked whether he knows of any other famous people posting pics of their feet, he grinned and said he couldn’t betray a confidence.

”Let’s just say, he doesn’t dye his whole body the same orange as his face.”

image from pixabay

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Cat achieves 8,000 rpm after tail caught in fan

The CPS, no, the other one, the Cat Protection Society, has warned members of the public about the danger of fans following a spate of high speed circular meowing.

Head of the CPS, Keith Shawarma said, 'One owner experienced the trauma of witnessing her beloved Fluffy not only being rotated at extreme velocity, but also swaying from left to right in slow motion due to the high level functionality of the fan. She found it strangely hypnotic, and it was 20 minutes before she finally turned it up to 3.

'We recommend that during this period of extreme heat, those totally owned by felines should turn all fans off and remain sweaty. Especially those in households without enough room to swing a cat. Otherwise the purring and screeching is also accompanied by thumping noises.'

Videos posted on YouTube showing rapidly revolving pussies have been strongly criticised. 'Clearly they should be uploaded to OnlyFans.'

Image: funeyes - Pixabay