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In an unprecedented move, rating agency Moody’s has downgraded the UK’s Black Friday and Cyber Monday due to a combination of rising inflation, heightened unpredictability and an acute shortage of anyone who knows what the fuck they’re doing.
Cyber Monday will now be replaced by Analogue Wednesday on 14th February 2023. Valentine’s Day will be brought forward a month and will now share 14th January 2023 with STI Awareness Day.
It’s thought that Moody’s was forced to take action after discovering that Chancellor Jeremy Hunt used a cheque post-dated for “33rd Novembruary 2052” to make a payment toward the country’s national debt.
The Government, predictably, has played down the effect that losing Black Friday could have on the country’s embattled finances.
'Black Friday is just a marketing gimmick, like affordable energy bills or a functioning NHS' said Treasury spokesman Simon Jones.
'If people are concerned that Moody’s actions mean the end of the traditional Black Friday riots, they needn’t worry. Thanks to the Government’s expert mishandling of the economy, we’re going to have more civil unrest than you can shake a stick at. A big, pointy stick that’s been wrapped in barbed wire and has nails sticking out of it.'
Despite his bullish remarks, Mr Jones refused to comment on speculation that next year’s Black Friday could be demoted to Brown Tuesday or, even worse, Musk Sunday.
Author: Humpenscrumpjnr
Image: Newsbiscuit
First published 28 Nov 2022
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- Throngsman
- Aug 5, 2023
With the advent of the internet, fraudsters have increased their capacity to relieve ordinary people of their own hard earned cash. Newsbiscuit is happy to provide guidance on how to spot the more common scams.
email phishing scams
These are very common and often take the form of demands from organisations such as HMRC. No matter how authentic these scams look, ignore them. Do not click on any links, approach your local tax office or open any snail mail correspondence looking like it comes from HMRC. Unfortunately this common scam already affects many working people as company payroll departments are often targeted - check your payslip for 'deductions' which are sometimes named 'tax', sometimes 'NI', often both. For greatest security ask your payroll department to change your bank details to the Newsbiscuit current account number and we'll sort out the rest.
Romance scams
Fraudsters pretending to be public servants acting on your behalf are known to make overtures suggesting you vote for events that will directly take money out of your pocket and put it in theirs. Typically the scammers will present themselves as 'MPs' and will try to get you to vote yourself out of a trading block, using compelling scam lines like 'don't listen to experts'. You might feel these scammers are in love with you, you may think they have your best interest at heart, but trust us here at Newsbiscuit, they don't. Don't vote for anything they say, and do not vote for any person to represent you unless they are part of the Newsbiscuit Party. Because you know we love you.
Internet satire scam
The most insidious scam of all where satirists try to draw you into their web of deceit and try to extract your money and votes to make themselves rich at your expense. We don't have any hard examples of this type of scam, but be sure to sign up to Newsbiscuit.com for regular newsletters. Please leave your email address, bank account details and PIN number - just in case.
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