Putin nominated for BBC Sports Personality of the Year

In a shock move, Russian president Vladimir Putin has made the shortlist for the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year competition.

Joining the likes of cyclist Mark Cavendish, heptathlete Katarina Johnson-Thompson and runner Keely Hodgkinson, Putin is seen as a dark horse (which he’ll ride topless) in the annual contest.

‘We’re not quite sure how he made in onto the list,’ said a spokesman for the BBC competition. ‘I mean, I know he’s a black belt in judo and all that sort of stuff, but that’s not enough, is it? We reckon there’s been a bit of hacking going on. ‘Who’ll be nominated next? Bashar al-Assad for his skills in running away from a civil war?’

The Kremlin insisted the president’s nomination was all above board.

‘Look, you Western imperialist scum, Vlad's on the list, fair and square,’ said a spokeswoman. 'There’s no point acting like a bowl of undercooked borscht – just deal with it.’

Fellow nominees fear they might accidentally fall out of a window should Putin not triumph in the contest.

‘We’re all s*** scared,’ said one, who wished to remain anonymous. ‘He’s definitely got my vote.’

Keir drafts his ‘100 day achievements’ list

Keir is expecting to reach his one hundredth day as Prime Minister very soon, so he’s working on his list of achievements.   This will enable his press office to feed an easy story to lazy journalists. The draft list looks like this:

DO MENTION

Great Olympics and great Paralympics – all those gold medals really show what we can do as a nation – and not a penny of taxpayers’ money spent. Thank god for the national lottery (and sponsorship from Aldi).

Sorting out the mess of Tory strikes – I’ve taken difficult decisions and driven a hard bargain with the rail unions. I’ve given the NHS a shot in the arm by settling pay disputes there. (Note to self: ignore any questions about where the money is coming from. Use the ‘broadest shoulders’ line. Don’t mention 14.5% or 22.4% pay increases, as those numbers sound big.)

Sorting out the mess of Tory riots – I’ve been tough on civil disorder and banged up lots of right-wing voters. (Note: blame early prisoner releases on the Tories)

I’m sorting out the Tories economic legacy.   Aldi, Lidl and Poundland are all opening new stores – proper shops, selling useful stuff (must check to see if these stores are owned by foreigners).   And I’ve agreed to bung Tata Steel half a billion to appease the steel unions. Difficult decisions!  (Don’t mention the increase in first class post.  £1.65 FFS.  Remember to ask a donor to buy stamps for Christmas cards before prices go up.   2,000 stamps should do it? Avoid talking about the budget – that is going to be a real downer.  Good idea to delay the budget until after the first 100 days. 

MENTION IF ASKED

I have sorted out the Tory mess of anti-Semitism in the Labour Party.  I strongly support Israel’s right to defend itself on even dates.  On odd dates, I wring my hands about civilian casualties. (Don’t mention weapons sales to Israel)

Larry the Cat is an outdated hangover from the previous administration, and I’ve taken the difficult decision to bring in a young, energetic and more left-wing cat.

I’ve taken the difficult decision to take away the winter fuel payment from rich, right-wing voters who don’t need it. To everyone who voted for change, this is a change.  Buy thicker vests, for goodness sake. Remember that I have kept my promise on the triple lock.   So far.

DON’T MENTION

Free clothes. Frocks for Victoria costing £5,000. Not on my credit card! (People will say I'm in the pockets of the unions, when I'm actually in the Y fronts of the unions.)

Jeremy Corbyn or Diane Abbott – there’s always something else with them.  Why does she think she's a non-person?

Ukraine using British tanks to invade Russia. Jesus.

Finally finding the time to sort out my Pokémon card collection.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Man’s explanation of Olympic cycling event enters third week

A man’s attempt to explain the Omnium Olympic cycling event to friends down the pub has entered it’s third week, with no signs of it reaching a conclusion any time soon, despite the 4-yearly festival of sport in Paris having long since finished.

‘Look, let’s just recap on what we know so far, its actually quite straightforward’, said a flustered Mike McBride, getting out his flipchart and marker pens again.

‘There’s 4 events. You start with the scratch. Er…all the competitors form a big circle on their bikes, and one of them does a special scratch and then nods to another cyclist, who has to copy it, add their own and pass it on’.

‘Then there’s the tempo’, continued McBride unconvincingly. ‘So… er…in this one, everyone rides round the track while different pieces of classical music are played. Each rider has to guess what tempo it is, and they enter this - using the correct Italian terminology of course – on a little computer screen which is attached to their handlebars.’

‘Following that there’s the points round. Self-explanatory, that one’, said McBride, to an increasingly small audience.

‘And to finish, we have the elimination’, announced McBride. ‘Donald Sutherland announces the start of the event, and every cyclist is competing for their own district, trying to hide and survive as long as they can without being killed.’

‘The first film of this was ok, but I thought the prequel was a bit derivative to be honest. Chris Hoy is a great actor though’, said McBride.

‘Now, who was it who wanted to know what the hell was going on in any of the sailing events?’.

Image: Pixabay/StartupStockPhotos