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"It turns out that National Rally didn't get the majority in the National Assembly that it was confidently expecting, so it's back to our original plans," a visibly relieved Albert de la Speer told fellow organisers of Paris 2024 at a staff meeting on Monday morning.Â
"That means we can send back to the makers all the 600 blood-red flags with swastikas on them which Marine von Pen was making us drape around the Olympic stadium, and also the iron crosses with oak leaf clusters which she was planning to hand out to French gold medallists.
"We no longer need to create new Olympic events that France would be odds-on to win, like snail racing and the amphibian high jump.
"And the opening ceremony, which will comprise all the competitors sailing down the Seine in barges, should no longer feature France's Artillery Corps lobbing mortars onto a raft at the rear packed with asylum seekers.
"However, because the leftist New Popular Front is now the largest political group in parliament and is calling all the shots, we now have to build barricades in the streets of Paris, pelt the gendarmerie with cobblestones, overthrow the Fifth Republic and round up all elements of the haute bourgeoisie for trial and execution in the Stade de France.
"All in the Olympic spirit, mind you!"
July 4th: Labour oust Tories in general election.
July 5th: 70% of British media start as they mean to go for the next five years, telling Starmer his administration is doomed.
July the Inevitableteenth: England crash out of Euro24. Riots breaks out in Hartlepool FC car park. Endless autopsies in media and saloon bars on the cold, dead corpse of English football.
July the Verysoonteeth: last of our great hopes trips over his or her racquet swiping hopelessly at an ace and crashes out of Wimbledon. Endless autopsies on the hardly ever breathing corpse of British tennis.
August Bank Holiday: Angela Rayner leads cavalry charge of disaffected trade unionists on donkeys on Blackpool beach, shouting "No Gods! No Starmers!" 100% of media endlessly repeat that Labour and the country are doomed.
July - September: England start thrilling chain of humiliating cricket defeats. Autopsies break out in media and long rooms across the nation on the pearly white corpse of English cricket.
Olympics: Team GB athletes finish seventh out of eight in almost every event. Surprise winner of the bronze in synchronised ludo is given a knighthood and elected leader of the Conservative Party. Later defects to Reform UK.
(This doesn't seem much to live for. You're fired - Ed)
November: Trump wins election and persuades UK government to make Farage ambassador to Washington. Farage leaves UK for the next several years.
(That's a bit more like it. I'll think about rehiring you - Ed)
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