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Olympics get sent to Coventry



The International Olympic Committee has sent the 2036 Olympics to Coventry.


'No, not the silent treatment' said an IOC delegate, from behind a pile of brown envelopes. 'Our new President's surname is Coventry, so I just thought we should just go with it. Olympic Games host cities are Tier 1 world cities, although it does sound like the Reliant Robin in Only Fools and Horses - Paris, Los Angeles... Coventry.'


'Coventry has a ring road and the Olympics have rings. Coventry is famous for that naked lady on a horse and in the Ancient Olympics many competitors were naked, so it all checks out. Nudity will certainly add a frisson to the show jumping for sure. Un-dressage!'




World still unclear on what French have against grand pianos



Following a third sports related ceremony in Paris this summer, the big question the world is asking is what will the French do to grand pianos in the Paralympic closing ceremony?


General appreciator of ceremonial activities, Jasmine Wade, said, 'In the Olympic opening ceremony they left a few out in the bucketing rain, and then they set fire to one. In the closing ceremony, they hoisted one up vertically like Wile E Coyote was expecting Roadrunner any moment, while forcing some poor pianist to play it at a cringeworthy angle and unsuitable height. Are ACME Inc. benefiting from this in some way?


'In the opening ceremony for the Paralympics they had lots of sweaty dancers wiping their genitals all over the lids of a good dozen or so, and then some were jumping up and down on them and stomping their feet on the keys. You gotta have some real beef with these fine instruments to engage in that level of disrespect.


'My real concern is what they've got lined up for the Paralympics finale. Some sort of synchronised trebucheting of grand pianos while flamethrowing flutes light them up and trombones fire laser guided exploding maracas at them? Actually, I would watch and enjoy that. But I wouldn't know why.'

Man’s explanation of Olympic cycling event enters third week




A man’s attempt to explain the Omnium Olympic cycling event to friends down the pub has entered it’s third week, with no signs of it reaching a conclusion any time soon, despite the 4-yearly festival of sport in Paris having long since finished.


‘Look, let’s just recap on what we know so far, its actually quite straightforward’, said a flustered Mike McBride, getting out his flipchart and marker pens again.


‘There’s 4 events. You start with the scratch. Er…all the competitors form a big circle on their bikes, and one of them does a special scratch and then nods to another cyclist, who has to copy it, add their own and pass it on’.


‘Then there’s the tempo’, continued McBride unconvincingly. ‘So… er…in this one, everyone rides round the track while different pieces of classical music are played. Each rider has to guess what tempo it is, and they enter this - using the correct Italian terminology of course – on a little computer screen which is attached to their handlebars.’


‘Following that there’s the points round. Self-explanatory, that one’, said McBride, to an increasingly small audience.


‘And to finish, we have the elimination’, announced McBride. ‘Donald Sutherland announces the start of the event, and every cyclist is competing for their own district, trying to hide and survive as long as they can without being killed.’


‘The first film of this was ok, but I thought the prequel was a bit derivative to be honest. Chris Hoy is a great actor though’, said McBride.


‘Now, who was it who wanted to know what the hell was going on in any of the sailing events?’.


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