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Oil production cuts dangerous - for our profits, say oil companies



If the world is a junkie, its dealer would be the oil companies.


When the junkie tries to get clean, the dealer is there: 'Oh you don't want to do that. Too difficult. The technology isn't there yet. No point with China and India still using. Recycle your coffee cups. That's right. Now I've got some new Saudi stuff, top of the line, sort you right out.'


'Those nasty Just Stop Oil protesters, stopping you getting your fix. It's the 3rd world that will suffer most, so we can ignore that. Besides, if you're rich when humanity finally burns, then you have won the global race! Congratulations! Also your carbon based bodies are already forming the basis for future oil company profits and shareholder dividends.'


'Hakuna metata - it means no worries for the rest of your days. Even though there might not be that many of them. It's the circle. The circle of life.'




Snooker's links to Big Oil exposed



Rumoured links between the green baize and the black gold have been thrown into orange powdery relief by Just Stop Oil's protest, as they interrupted the World Snooker Championships.


Stories about Steve Davis laughing whilst pouring oil onto sea birds and Stephen Hendry killing orang-utans gangland execution style have abounded for years. Ronnie O'Sullivan is apparently a notorious dolphin hater, whilst Mark Selby only feels truly alive setting wildfires in areas of outstanding natural beauty. John Higgins' extensive logging of the Amazon is said to be motivated only by the desire to watch it all burn.


Snooker fan Naveed Nasir said, 'I'm here for some grindingly attritional safety battles and an afternoon nap, not colourful protest.'


Conspiracy theorist Rachel Rutherford whispered, 'Oil is black and what colour is the highest value ball in snooker? That cannot be a coincidence.'



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