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Following the announcement by Gillian Keegan, Education Secretary that she would probably have punched an Ofsted inspector if they’d been rude to her, the agency has taken the unusual step of training its inspectors in martial arts.
‘Ms Keegan is known to be a bit touchy’, a spokesman told us. ‘We’ve advised our inspectors to tell her that she’s doing a “bloody good job” if they ever meet her. At the same time they should follow their training – keep a safe distance, adopt a small stance with hands ready and scan the room for anything which could be used as an improvised weapon’.
The likelihood of an inspector actually meeting Ms Keegan is tiny – that would require her to visit a school – but there are fears that some headteachers might take the comment as a green light to take out their frustrations on visiting inspectors.
‘Our insurance premiums have trebled’, the spokesman said. ‘Between crumbling school buildings and homicidal secretaries of state we’re paying a fortune in insurance. I only entered the profession because I saw an old St Trinian’s movie. The reality is nothing like that. Might go back to working the doors on nightclubs. Much safer’.
image from pixabay
NewsBiscuit has gained access to a draft press release, showing the proposed new multi-word ratings categories for Ofsted inspections.
In the draft, spokesman for Ofsted, Biff Flashman, is quoted as saying, 'we have listened to feedback from ministers and schools and agree that the one-word categories could be regarded as insensitive and lacking clarity.
'These updated ratings will help us improve communication with our stakeholders, while retaining a robust inspection service and preventing Post Office Inspectors from teasing us and calling us “Sofsted.'
The new multi-word ratings are as follows:
• Inadequate, you f***ing muppets, clear your desks NOW!
• Requires improvement, so put down your Guardian and start polishing that CV, tw*t.
• Good but don’t think we won’t get you next time, woke w**kers
• Outstanding. We’ll have to “try harder” for the next one, and we’re not going to tell you when it is.
Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash
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