Area man unveils covert method of ogling female co-workers

Office lothario Henry Evans has discovered a foolproof technique for appreciating the beauty of female co-workers without prompting a call from HR. "The method is so simple, I'm surprised no-one has thought of it before," Henry tells us. "You want to start by maintaining eye-contact. This gives the impression that you're sincerely listening to what she has to say. Then, mid-way through the conversation, you just drop your gaze into her cleavage. It's all about timing. You don't want to loiter there; after a few minutes, she's bound to notice."

Henry explains the fascinating science behind his discovery.

"You see, women's eyes process things slower than males; they work at about 50 fps whereas males work at 100 fps. That means that she won't notice your gaze dribbling down her chest like a lascivious slug, even if you're standing right in front of her. Women only see black and white, which prevents—wait, that might be dogs actually."

Evans' insights offer much-needed guidance to many men who are struggling to navigate the minefield of office etiquette in a post-MeToo era. He wants men to know that the playful female objectification of yore does not need to disappear completely.

"This has been a process of trial and error," Henry tells us. "There are a few rookie mistakes that might give you away. Squeezing your hands at chest height and screaming "HONKA-HONKA" is not as inconspicuous as one might think. Nor is ejecting your eyes from your skull and yelling "AWOOGA" at the sight of a shapely rear. Females typically react unfavourably to this."

The women of the office were unavailable for comment. I think they were, anyway. One was wearing a red bra.

image from pixabay

Faeces left at MPs office - inside jobbie?

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Office workers enthralled as colleague tells them how hot it is for the 500th time

A group of office workers at Pointless Plastics in Wolverhampton has been hanging onto every word uttered by their colleague Susan Obvious, as she repeatedly tells them how hot it is.

Admin Assistant Jenny Crump said, 'I’m so happy that Susan keeps telling us how hot it is. She mentions it at least once every five minutes, but it’s always worth hearing again.'

Receptionist Emma Flaps added, 'It’s great that we can rely on Susan to keep us informed about how hot it is. My blouse is wringing wet with sweat and it’s sticking to my back, but if Susan hadn’t kept mentioning how hot the weather is today, I wouldn’t have understood why.'

Office manager David Drear said, 'If it wasn’t for Susan’s frequent comments about how hot it is, I would never have figured out why sweat is pouring down my face, and my glasses have started to melt. I’m so glad Susan keeps drawing my attention to the heat.'

Finance Officer John Belch said, 'Thank goodness Susan keeps letting us know how hot it is. I couldn’t understand why my arse was sweating so much that the seat of my chair looks like I’ve p*ssed myself, but whenever Susan points out the fact that it's very hot today, it all makes sense.'

Susan’s colleagues are now eagerly waiting for her to come back from her lunch break, so she can tell them how hot it is outside.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/12019-12019/