139 complaints to Ofcom that Coronation Street is still on

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Financial Services Authority considering doing 'something' at some stage

Insiders say Britain's financial regulator is planning to 'do something', possibly as early as next year.

The Financial Services Authority, which is employed to govern and regulate the banks, is rumoured to be anxious for some kind of 'eye-catching initiative'.

Senior members of the FSA are known to have held an emergency meeting, and brainstormed ideas for stunts that would win the public's approval. A cleaner who saw flipchart notes, says some of the early ideas mooted were 'a competition giving away a free iPad', 'some kind of website or Twitter thing' and an 'FSA trade magazine with a celebrity on the front'.

Another idea the committee liked involved some kind of commitment to diversity, or a statement about people needing to recycle more, or something. Though there was a lot of enthusiasm for this 'strong, well thought out concept' it was shelved because it was discovered that OFCOM is planning something similar.

In the end, the committee decided that it was time to 'get tough', very publicly, on people who steal pens from banks. 'This is costing banks anything up to £50 billion a year and could be the real reason why Britain has gone into an irreversible decline.' said one insider.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stux-12364/

Lucifer Appointed as Head of OFCOM

After a long search and recruitment process, the Department of Culture, Media and Sport were pleased to announce yesterday that Lucifer, former Prince of Darkness, was approved as the new head of OFCOM.

"It's been a long journey, but we're pleased with the outcome." Said a spokesperson for the DCMS yesterday. "While both of our final candidates impressed with their commitment to pure evil and eradication of joy, the Morning Star stood out with his ideas for future innovation; while the other applicant we felt was too focussed on the issues affecting OFCOM being the EU and the influx of immigrants into the country."

The incoming chair was excited by the role and what he hoped to bring, remarking, 'I'm looking forward to beginning my tenure at the head of the UK's communication industry. I'd like to thank the many Conservative MPs who I'm in league with, or who are paying back for selling their souls in 2019 for their supporting letters to the DCMS. I assure you that under my reign, we shall continue the roll-out of 5G and all its mind-controlling properties; as well as pressuring the BBC to keep making Mrs Brown's Boys.'