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By 2035 half the world will be over-weight, and the rest of us becoming chubby chasers. Explained one scientist: 'With the majority of fatties being in the northern hemisphere, our planet is listing heavily, with much of the Pacific Ocean pouring into space.
'There is a real danger of us spinning into the sun. And only the obese of Florida are stopping the Earth from spiralling out of control.
'It's too late to get people to diet, so we're going to need New Zealand to become a counter-weight, by gorging on doughnuts. Some have suggested our only chance of survival is going to Mars, but I suspect we'd just eat it.'
Governments are rushing to revise climate change plans after the latest news that sea levels are rising not from carbon emissions but a worldwide epidemic of marine obesity.
Over-eating has become a major problem, with many whales being up to five tons overweight, says fish expert Dr Alan Knox. 'There's just less room for the water.' he explains with his PowerPoint diagram.
'We need a major diet plan and lifestyle makeover for fish, or Birmingham will be under 10ft of water by 2050,' warns Dr Knox, who absolutely denies any ties to the oil industry. 'They're just lazing around eating plankton all day and getting no exercise.'
HKnow goes on to explain the problem also has implications for the film industry: 'Most marine predators are too fat to chase anyone anymore. I don't know how you'd make Jaws nowadays. You'd need a stairlift to move the shark around. As for Moby Dick, you could just lure him to a Weight-Watchers Anonymous meeting and slap a harpoon into him.'
However, the good news is that Britain's motorways are free of eco protesters for the first time in a year. 'It's great to be able to move around again without any hassle.' says commuter David Grace. 'The Extinction Rebellion crowd have all gone off to sea to fat-shame the whales.'
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