2024 confirmed as 'stupidest year ever'

The Central Intelligence Agency has confirmed that 2024 is the stupidest year on record.  The past ten years have all been in the top ten, in an extraordinary run of record-breaking stupidity.

2024 saw some incidents of spectacular stupidity, including the election of Donald Trump, the claim that Navalny died of natural causes, Rishi Sunak announcing an election in the pouring rain, Glasgow’s disastrous ‘Willy Wonka Experience’, Raygun’s breakdancing at the Olympics, dynamic ticket pricing fails for that Oasis gig, Rachel Reeves 'boosting growth' by raising business taxes by £40bn and Keir’s call for the ‘return of the sausages’.

The greatest contribution to an increasingly stupid work was made by one man.  His actions and pronouncements have single-handedly moved the dial on global stupidity – Donald Trump.  His contributions in 2024 included claims that migrants were eating pets, magnets don’t work underwater, and Hannibal Lecter was a great man. And a bizarre speech about Arnold Palmer’s manhood.

Academics now concerned that the planet can never return to the average levels of stupidity in 1850-1900.   But the UK government is refusing to fund research into increasing stupidity levels, in case anyone makes fun of them.

Experts are unable to agree on the root causes of increasing stupidity, which are thought to include too much screen time, alternative facts, dumb things on social media, ultra processed foods, declining educational standards, global warming, artificial intelligence, chatbots, the dark web, brain rot, and GB News.

How to grow tomatoes on a cramped tour bus. By me, Liam f**kin’ Gallagher

Touring takes it out of you, man. If you want fresh fruit and veg, you’re gonna have to grow your own on a big bus cramped with sweaty dickheads.

First of all you have to remember the tomato is a vine native to South America, it likes it hot and humid. No f**kin’ euphemisms please.

Right! Make sure you’ve got the right growin’ material. Most of you lot will have set up weed farms in your mam’s loft before now, so you know where to get the shit from. If the coach driver gets a bit f**kin’ ‘5-0’ on ya, tell him they’re not actually growbags from Homebase, they’re weed cakes. He’ll be fine, coz he knows he’ll get a cut.

Now, don’t get f**kin’ poncey with your seed varieties. Gardener’s Delight is a good all-rounder, like Jackie Grealish. Little cherry tomatoes are good for snackin’, but f**kin’ rubbish for sarnies and chuckin’ at paparazzi. And your big, fat f**kin’ beefsteaks are only good for mushin’ up into pasta sauce if you’ve gat a w*nky brother that thinks he can cook, or slicin’-up to hula-hoop on your cock when you’re bored and off your t*ts.

Don’t get all weepy either if f**k all’s happenin’ ten minutes after you’ve sowed the seeds. They’ll take a week or so to germinate, so chill your boots, man. When they do, give them as much light as possible during the day, alright? Even when you spark-up, do it over the little plants, but don’t drop f**kin’ hot rocks on them, like a knobhead, yeah?

Keep the plants hydrated. If you’ve used all the water on the bus washin’ your dirty kex, use lager, but let it go flat as a f**kin’ Coldplay album first, toms don’t like their lager fizzy, ok? And don’t give ‘em none of that craft ale shit. You don’t want your beefsteaks actually tastin’ of f**kin’ beef, or whatever shit that’s made from. Trust me, I’ve been there, lol.

Use old roaches to support the stems when brittle and easily damaged, like our kid’s ego. And as the main stems grow, use the drummer’s sticks to support them, that f**ker’s always too mashed to notice. He plays with wooden spoons most gigs.

Using the soil as an ashtray is fine, there’s vital minerals in ash. Just watch out for roadies having a Jodrell in there. You don’t want any of their Neanderthal DNA mutating your crop of plum toms into lookin’ like their actual f**kin’ hairy b*stard plums, for f**k’s sake.

Enjoy your crop, man. Next week I’ll be doing spuds in the sesspit under the bog. At ease. LG out. X

Photo by Rafael Corrêa on Unsplash

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