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Builder, Colin, has hopes of quick Tesco transaction dashed


Construction Site Manager Colin Mappin who was in the queue behind OAP Doris Wilkes (75) at Tesco Redditch said: 'My spirits hit the floor as Doris and her tartan wheelie managed to get to the till in front of me. I thought, here we go, by the time she's counted out the odd seventy-seven pence and used at least fifteen money-off vouchers my lunch break's going to be over. So imagine my surprise when she just whipped out her bank card nice as you like and paid within seconds.'


But just when Colin thought he was home and dry disaster struck. 'She knew the lady on the till, a third cousin of her late husband's uncle, and subsequently Doris engaged her in a ten-minute conversation about how "Bert had to have a bag fitted" and "Alice was found dead in her flat after having lain there undiscovered for three days".'


A starving Colin later confirmed: 'In the end I had to put my stuff back on the shelves as I had a meeting scheduled at two.'


Clout warning level raised to ‘idiotic’


Stealing a march on the proposed ‘It’s a bit hot, maybe downgrade to a 12-tog cardie’ proposed "durr" warning system, government and law enforcement bodies issued the highest level Clout Alert across the country. ‘Civil unrest may have spread to orange paint spattered across the Chelmsford populace, and go-slow protests in Weston Super-Mare, neither of which have any discernible effect,’ said a police spokesperson, ‘But one regulation no British citizen would consider breaking is the eminently sensible ‘Ne’er cast a clout till May is out’. However, due to the second half of May surprising us all by remembering what the average temperature should be, people have been desperately casting clouts since early doors June 1st, with no thought to basic health and safety, let alone decency laws.’ Confusion has been exacerbated by no-one under the age of 147 remembering what a clout is, leading to hordes of naked pensioners frolicking across foundation-garment-strewn parks, and all manner of household goods being vicariously thrown from windows nationwide with more velocity than Boris Johnson changing his publicly-funded legal team. Blacksmiths are reporting unprecedented requests from folklorists convinced a clout is some kind of cast iron stable tool, with the traditional three unequal legs and simple pleated pixane, or bishop's mantle, collar. However since the last forge was turned into the inevitable hipster eatery last month, all they can offer is an artisan pine-needle foam drizzled over an anvil.


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stocksnap-894430/


Viagra link to holding back dementia claim challenged, apparently again, say old people

Updated: Dec 8, 2021


Reports in an American medical journal have suggested that Viagra administered daily can reduce or even prevent the onset of dementia. Critics pointed out that the study didn't actually show any causal links and that the study was purely observational. 'You might call it "just" observational,' said one of the study authors, 'but for me, the Viagra users stood out a mile.'


Other experts doubt the study will lead to increased Viagra use. 'They might remember longer, but will be sh@gged out, literally by the time they are Seventy. Where's the quality of life then?' he asked. To be fair, he admitted to being married so didn't really have anything to base his opinion on.


Another expert pointed out the method of measuring things like appointments was skewed by the habit of Viagra users in the study to tie a hanky on their c*cks. 'To be fair, the hanky came in useful for most of them even if they didn't realise what it was there for,' he said today.






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