Money for nurses if they dress up like a tank

The Ministry of Defence has said nurses can have a pay rise, provided they are willing to fight on the Ukrainian front line. 'We have plenty of cash for killing people, just not very much for saving lives. Your average nurse would be much better off if they looked like a Stryker personnel carrier.

'We're not saying they don't do vital work in hospitals. I'm just saying they would be much handier strapped to a bomb and dropped from 10,000 feet. Hence our new slogan, 'clap for nurses that go splat'.'

Redeployed staff will be dressed in military fatigues as opposed to actual fatigue. While patients are encouraged to stop giving thanks and just give tanks. Said one Challenger Tank: 'I used to work in an A&E department on a Friday night, so its nice to get away from all the death and destruction.'

Image: Kevin Schmid (@lighttouchedphotography) | Unsplash Photo Community

Nurses pay rise accidentally went to Nadhim Zahawi

The ex-Chancellor insisted he was not guilty of dodging millions in tax, but said the money had instead come from the public sector wages. An aide commented: 'If you add up the 10% owed to everyone, it just about covers what Mr. Zahawi spends on horse feed.'

Meanwhile the nurses have been given all of Mr.Zahawi's bills in error. Said one confused nurse: 'I was expecting at least 7%, but all I got was an invoice for a gold-plated swimming pool.'

Mr. Zahawi said he would be giving back the money as soon as he could find the missing millions - among the rest of his loose change.

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Image: mohamed_hassan | Pixabay

‘Government could be forced to withhold hand-claps unless nurses get back to work’ warns Barclay

Health Secretary Steven Barclay has warned NHS workers they risk losing any future accolades and hand-claps of appreciation unless they end their pay dispute and get back to work immediately.

NHS staff should concentrate on saving people's lives and not waste their time standing on picket lines in the hope that government ministers might be listening to their unfair demands.

Barclay also warned front line staff that the Government was considering taking back all the hand-claps and saucepan bangs they received during lockdown.

‘Tens of thousands of ambulance workers, call handlers, paramedics, nurses and doctors could all be stripped of those hard won hand-claps,’ sneered a Department of Health spokes-Scrooge. ‘All that banging on saucepans, Boris standing on the doorstep of Number 10 beating his wok, showering workers with thanks for saving the nation …it will all have been for nothing. And what do they hope to gain from strike action? A few extra pounds in their pay-packets? Shorter working hours? Investment in the NHS? Reduced waiting times at A&E? Are they really prepared to lose all those wonderful hand-claps just for that? Christmas might well be the time for giving, but nurses will get nothing from us'.