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MP confuses nurses with someone wearing a French maid’s outfit



The backbencher expressed outrage that these saucy minxes should be demanding a pay rise: ‘All they do is lounge around provocatively in A&E departments, delivering trays of patisserie while bending over in frilly knickers. And if they’re on strike, who is going to buff the Ming vase with an oversized feather duster or get chased by a randy vicar?’



According to the Health Department, nurses are technically the doctor’s butler and should only speak when spoken to. 78% of all staff are called Désirée and uniforms can only be made from mesh halter tops, with a titillating apron. Sadly, any industrial action by the nurses will seriously disrupt the queue time to see such a skimpy outfit.


Remarked Barry, 47, a nurse: ‘I’ve never dressed in make-believe fetish gear – not unless you count the fake PPE equipment the Government sold us.’




Starmer: 'We cannot afford to clap for nurses'




With the threat of strike action, politicians have made it clear that nurses will not get a rise in applause or other meaningless gestures. 'If anything, nurses are overpaid in claps and should settle for a firm handshake instead.'


Starmer made it clear that he would end migrant nurses stealing our native claps. But he insisted that there were no extra claps to give, not since the last season of Mrs Brown's Boys.


Nurses using food banks, are now forced to visit zoos to search for left over claps at the seal enclosures. By contrast Premier footballers earn ten of thousands of claps everytime they walk on the pitch.


Said one nurse: 'All of my claps are second hand now. I'm surviving on a 50% reduction. It's literally the sound of one hand clapping.'


Tories urge nurses to be Sexy Nurses if they want a pay rise





The NHS is part of the Anti-Growth Coalition, with its ‘socialist tendencies’ to ‘help’ and ‘keep people alive’ – so claims an internal Conservative party memo. ‘Clap for them publicly but vote against pay rises. The Health Service is not the right kind of expensive for the magic money tree, unless those skirts show a bit of leg, what ho?’


One Tory MP said ‘I am regularly spanked by a dominatrix in PVC, who wears a Margaret Thatcher mask and screams, ‘the lady’s not for turning’ and ‘the pie is growing’ in between flagellations. Oh yeah! The NHS waiting list for this is outrageous - I need nanny's discipline now! The only kind of rise those strumpets, I mean nurses, are getting from me, is from my honourable member if they sex it up a bit. The nurse that removed a vacuum cleaner from my rear end was wearing more than lingerie and was not amused by me or my ‘sucks like a Dyson’ joke which gets solid gold guffaws at the golf club and Tufton Street.’


Nurse Amy Armstrong said ‘I’ve only had to take weird things out of people’s bums a few times in my career. But that is still a few times too many. The last few years have seen relentless erosion of our pay and conditions - Carry on Nursing, don't make me laugh. I could probably make more money as a strip-o-gram and I’ve already got the uniform. Anyway, I’m not saying I would hold a pillow over Jacob Rees-Mogg’s face until he stopped begging for nanny. But I’m not saying I wouldn’t.’



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