Johnson Creates Two New Regulators -OffHead and OffT*ts - In Whitehall Shake-up

It has been announced that two new wholly independent regulatory bodies are to be established, in the public interest. The Office of Hospitality, Enjoyment and Alcoholic Drinks (OffHead) will have a broad remit and terms of reference. It will have responsbility for both quality - no rubbish plonk at official gatherings - and value for money, e.g. are extra discounts available from selected retailers for bulk purchasing of 3 suitcases or more.

OffHead will have a partner authority whose surprise appointment as Chief is Michael Gove. With a similar public exposure, this Regulator of Tonics, Intemperance, Thrills and Stimulants (OffTits) will be in good hands. And noses. It will focus on solid results, as opposed to the liquid assets of OffHead.

A spokesman for No.10 Downing Street commented, "The Prime Minister is well aware of public disquiet regarding the recent Sue Gray report, and the appalling behaviour by junior staff who should have known better. The creation of these two authorities will ensure that in future everyone understands what is required for the good of the Party. And a good Party will mean we are all subject to OffHeads and OffTits checks throughout. Now, please, I think what people wish us to do is move on from this. Yeah, move on. I'm gonna move, move on down the line. Wanna get some love, a love that's truly fine. Oh I'm gonna show you a-way so hot, I'm gonna get what you ain't got ... <deep sniff> I'm sorry, could you repeat that question?"

Image: Pixabay/Mrskirstyholl

Decision to stand and fight or seek safety same as trying to choose wallpaper patterns insists PM

Boris Johnson is reported to have said that he sympathises with Ukrainians torn between fighting the invading Russian army or seeking safety in a neighbouring country as he has had to face similar agonising decisions himself in recent days.

‘Fretting over which wallpaper to choose for the rooms at No10 cost the PM many sleepless nights', a concrned Johnson was alleged to have said. 'So I know from first hand experience how difficult it can be to make those important life changing decisions. But it brought Carrie and I even closer together…our Blitz spirit got us through those long sleepless nights of indecision and worry.'

'Choosing the wrong wallpaper is something we would all have to live with and I was not prepared to put my family through such an ordeal.'

'Living with the wrong wallpaper day after day is similar to risking your life in a war. I’m sure the Ukrainian people would agree with me on that.'

'Which is why we turned to Lulu for help….a bit like how Ukraine has turned to us for help with their current predicament.'

'Thanks to Brexit we were able to choose our own wallpaper and did not have to seek approval from EU overlords as we always had to in the past.', the PM is said to have concluded.

Image: Pixabay/Carola68

Met Police found this almost humerus