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Reports circulating this morning that a clue was spotted going through the front door of Downing Street so far remain unconfirmed with several government ministers unable to shed any light on the matter.
Michael Gove said: 'I know the Prime Minister has been desperate to have a clue at his disposal recently but having spent quite a considerable time in his company I certainly haven't seen any evidence of one.'
Health Secretary Steve Barclay speaking to the BBC was guarded: 'A clue? Err... no... I don't think so.'
While former minister, Chris Grayling, spotted shopping for a cement mixer in his local Tesco said: 'No good asking me. I wouldn't know what a clue was if one wearing a t-shirt saying - hello, I'm a clue - bit me on the arse.'
It has been announced that two new wholly independent regulatory bodies are to be established, in the public interest. The Office of Hospitality, Enjoyment and Alcoholic Drinks (OffHead) will have a broad remit and terms of reference. It will have responsbility for both quality - no rubbish plonk at official gatherings - and value for money, e.g. are extra discounts available from selected retailers for bulk purchasing of 3 suitcases or more.
OffHead will have a partner authority whose surprise appointment as Chief is Michael Gove. With a similar public exposure, this Regulator of Tonics, Intemperance, Thrills and Stimulants (OffTits) will be in good hands. And noses. It will focus on solid results, as opposed to the liquid assets of OffHead.
A spokesman for No.10 Downing Street commented, "The Prime Minister is well aware of public disquiet regarding the recent Sue Gray report, and the appalling behaviour by junior staff who should have known better. The creation of these two authorities will ensure that in future everyone understands what is required for the good of the Party. And a good Party will mean we are all subject to OffHeads and OffTits checks throughout. Now, please, I think what people wish us to do is move on from this. Yeah, move on. I'm gonna move, move on down the line. Wanna get some love, a love that's truly fine. Oh I'm gonna show you a-way so hot, I'm gonna get what you ain't got ... <deep sniff> I'm sorry, could you repeat that question?"
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