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Embarrassed officials at the Ministry of Defence admitted today that Britain’s nuclear deterrent can only reach as far as the Isle of Wight with any degree of accuracy. The Trident missile system, estimated to cost £180 billion over its lifetime, has recently proved inaccurate and unreliable in MOD tests.
The officials accepted this was quite a lot to spend to protect Britain from a sleepy seaside resort popular with pensioners, which is not thought to have a nuclear capability of its own. ”We did hear a rumour one pub on the island had recently installed a Space Invaders machine, but this turned out to be wishful thinking on the part of bored teenagers forced to spend their holidays there.”
However, the officials stressed they were putting in place measures to improve accuracy, and pretty soon the Channel Islands would come within the missiles’ effective range.
”So Alderney and Sark had better not get any ideas, alright? This is not some washed-up, basket-case kleptocracy you’re dealing with, where defence contracts go to frauds and wide boys so long as they’ve got mates in the government. That’s PPE you’re thinking of.”
A firm finger wagging is set to replace Britain’s nuclear deterrent after the failure of another Trident missile test. Britain’s nuclear armed submarines are set to be repurposed - docked in Liverpool and painted yellow as a Beatles themed attraction.
Nuclear war theorist Rachel Rutherford said 'Mild disapproval and lukewarm scolding are all the rage in apocalyptic game theory. You’re nothing without a good line in tutting. Sucking on your teeth is also right up there, as is a sharp intake of breath. Combine those with a pained expression or slowly shaking your head and you’ve got yourself a WMD.'
'Putin will never know what hit him. What’s more devastating? A hydrogen bomb detonation or having someone roll their eyes at you as they tut? A great philosopher once wrote: "Naughty naughty, very naughty".'
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