Pepys' Diary: the King's health

Up, and to the office, where all are achatter about the King's health. His chirurgeon did clear the way for him to piss better by running a rod up his flute, but then did find the beginnings of a cancer. We are not privy to the nature of this latest ailment to befall him. I must say I have sympathy with him, having suffered from stones in the kidneys for many years. Mayhap it is a grievous swelling of his cods.

It is understood that his youngest son, Hal, is making his way from the Americas to console with him. He may bring some tinctures and potions prepared by his wife. The Court is looking for a volunteer to try these before offering them to the King, as they fear her motives may not be pure.

In Ireland the Taigs and the Ultachs have made some kind of peace and are preparing return to running that Godforsaken province once more. Sir George is taking bets how long that will last before the next slight takes place.

Thence, home to Elizabeth who had had her warm baps ready for me on the kitchen table.

Image: Esther Wechsler (@estherwec) | Unsplash Photo Community

Republic of Ireland seeks veto over unification

With the Northern Ireland Assembly led by a nationalist for the first time, and many predicting a vote on Irish unification within 10 years, politicians in the Republic have said it might be nice if someone asked their opinion about it.

'People talk as if this only affects Westminster and Belfast,' said a spokesman for Fine Gael. 'But what makes them assume we want to take on responsibility for the north?

'You've got two of the maddest bunches of mentalists the world has ever seen. The unionists will be more pissed off than ever if unification happens, and you can’t tell me the nationalists will just disband and go home because they’ve achieved their aim. This is Ireland, after all - they'll find something to feel aggrieved about.

'OK, if it came down to it, we’d probably bite the bullet - ideally a hypothetical bullet - and say yes. But it would be nice if someone at least thought to ask.'

Meanwhile the British Prime Minister said he was opposed to a united Ireland, because without the role of Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, he’d have to think of another way to punish colleagues who’d seriously pissed him off.

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N. Ireland Assembly breaks up in acrimonious tea/coffee row

The Northern Ireland Assembly, which only today resumed business after a two year hiatus, has unfortunately broken up again in a row about whether members should be served tea or coffee during debates.

'My community has enjoyed the Great British cup of tea for generations,' bellowed Dr Ian Wingnut of the Demented Unstable Party. 'If my legitimate and peaceful demand for tea is not met, there will be violent reprisals.'

'Tea is a British imperialist imposition and my community utterly rejects it,' snarled Spuddy Spud McSpudderson of the Definitely No Links To Terrorists Party. 'Give me coffee - preferably a decaf latte, no sugar - or give me death.'

At this point, Fionnula Sandalista of the centrist Alliance party suggested that perhaps members could choose whether they preferred tea or coffee on an individual basis. This was immediately denounced as "drift" and 'moral relativism' by both the main parties.

The situation was almost resolved when the caretaker announced that power to the building was cut off during the hiatus and hadn’t been restored yet, so hot drinks of any kind were impossible. He offered to nip out to a coffee shop for them, only for the assembly to break up in an acrimonious row about whether they preferred Caffè Nero or Costa.

Image: Clay Banks (@claybanks) | Unsplash Photo Community