Tory MPs to receive training in fumblebragging

Not satisfied with the plain old humblebrag, Conservative MPs are being coached to level down their game to a new low.

'Senior government ministers can be trained to do even less,' said Georgina Long, a presentation coach earning £800 an hour tax-free from taxpayer money to make an ineffective Cabinet even more destructive.

'Why stop at humblebragging, when one can also incorporate a colossal self-evident cock-up in the form of a fumblebrag? The entire Civil Service is now completely dedicated to covering for the hideous nonsense politicians do and say instead of making things work, so this is the future of high-level government personnel coaching.

'For example, where a Chancellor might've said that they are just a down-to-earth chap of the people who slums it in diamond-encrusted sliders, what they should be saying is that they are just a down-to-earth chap of the people slumming it in diamond-encrusted sliders who has also just blown the national disability budget on aid to off-shore palace owners.

'Do you see?

'Now come on Prime Minister, you can do this. Repeat after me... I'm just a boy in front of an electorate asking it if my testicles are banging it in the chin too hard WHILE I tax small boats for not being big luxury yachts channelling non-dom chums into lucrative directorships...'

image from pixabay

I’ll make everybody a non-dom, says Nadhim Zahawi

In the latest tax cutting pledge from a Tory leadership hopeful, Nadhim Zahawi has said he’ll make everybody in the UK a non-dom if he becomes Prime Minister.

“It is the best way I know of to lower your personal tax bill,” he said. “This move will help ordinary working families with millions, or even billions, held in a low-tax offshore jurisdictions.”

The move immediately caused Sajid Javid to back Mr Zahawi’s campaign.

It also led to a big argument in the Sunak household about who was the best candidate.

image from pixabay

Grappling with the economy