Nike statement 'Sorry to all the English snowflakes we "offended" '

'What's the matter, can't you take a joke, you English snowflakes? Or is it because English snowflakes usually come with a red St George's Cross tattoo-ed on them. We wouldn't want you looking stupid.'

'Also, you will lose your minds when you realise England's away kit isn't as white as you wish everyone in the country was.'

'Legally speaking, the red of the St George's cross should be dragon's blood, but as St George was a Turkish man (probably an immigrant) and dragons don't exist, this is tricky to pull off in a modern supply chain.'

'Who knows, maybe the England men's team will win a trophy in the age of colour television and this will matter.'

'After all, the Tories and Reform would never produce blue or purple versions of that flag. At least this will identify any full kit wanker MPs.'

Image: Newsbiscuit

Nike releases new t-shirt with slogan 'Just Do It' under Trump's mugshot

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Nike sues England goalkeeper Mary Earps for wearing Earps shirt

Head of Cruelty to Women at Nike's global PR & Strategy agency, Tammy Wincemaker, confirmed, 'We take the manufacture of fake Nike merch very seriously. Nike brand values must be protected at all costs. Those brand values include that women cannot have what we automatically do for men.

'Nike has evidence of several Earps England goalkeeper jerseys in existence. The reason we know they must be fake is because we refused to make any genuine replica Earps shirts, so we can be certain that any in existence are illegal. We will bring to bear the full weight of international trademark protection law on one individual in particular, by the name of Mary Earps. We have learned that she has "saved a lot" so we are going to take her for everything she's got.

'Anyone else wearing Earps shirts will also be sued, regardless of whether they claim to be 7-year-old girls who really like football and want to support one of their favourite players. We need to send a clear message to anyone, no matter how young, that the most important thing in football is Nike. And that the worst criminal offences anyone can commit in the whole world is to manufacture, distribute or wear merchandise Nike has claimed the exclusive rights to and then not made. There is literally nothing worse a person could do.

'There are two very clear reasons for this. Firstly, Nike has a reputation to maintain of pretending to support women's football, while at the same time not really caring. Secondly, we stand to make more money from suing fans for making their own clothing than we could ever have made from producing and selling them ourselves.'

image from pixabay