Doormen shortage Latest: 'Your name's on the list, we're begging you to come in'

With shortages everywhere, and the government fooling no one in its attempt to deny this has anything to do with Brexit, comes news of the latest dearth. There aren't enough doormen to go round.

The British Association of Dives (BAD), has requested special measures be implemented to allow Skinheads from Eastern Europe to be given work visas, permitting them to come to Britain and knock some heads together in the busy run up to Christmas.

However, it's understood as many as 4,000 people are needed to train as new "Bouncers" to help tackle the skill shortage effectively. Therefore, other avenues are also being pursed to protect the industry in the long-term.

A government spokesman commented. 'We aren't unsympathetic to this, and to those ends to take up some of the slack, we're sending out one hundred thousand letters to ex- convicts who've done a bit of time for GBH.'

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Proof of not being Michael Gove now required for entry to Scottish nightclubs

From 1st October anyone who wishes to go to a nightclub in Scotland will be refused entry unless they can provide compelling evidence that there isn’t the slightest risk of them being Michael Gove.

This new regulation will grant nightclub staff the power to prevent anyone from trying to barge in for free under the guise of being the Chancellor of Duchy of Lancaster or other such made up sounding jobs. As an added safety precaution, bouncers will also be required to immediately eject any high-risk revellers, preferably by force, from the premises who are seen dad dancing in an ill-fitting suit to hardcore Jungle music.

If these measures are strictly implemented by all nightclubs in Scotland, the SNP are reportedly hopeful that staff and customers will not be subjected to any future outbreaks of Govid on the dancefloor.

Passport Control officials to re-train as nightclub bouncers

Following the news that nightclub attendees will need to show vaccine passports from the end of September onwards, immigration control workers are preparing to adapt their skills at refusing entry to people they don’t like the look of.

With fewer flights arriving in the UK than is customary in August, there was a real prospect of airports having sufficient staff in Passport Control to deal with demand. However, the re-training and subsequent redeployment of the majority of the department to nightclubs around the country will see a return to the customary inadequate provision and the usual delays of up to three hours.

These staff will be re-trained to scrutinise a different set of passport documentation than they are used to and then use their powers of discretion to admit attractive groups of girls out on a hen night, attractive girls with barely anything on, girls that may be less attractive but could be up for it, and maybe some young, weedy lads that they could punch into the middle of next week if they felt like it. They will also be trained to feel like it.

Queue mismanagement is one aspect of the job that will be very familiar to former passport control personnel. Many are used to having one official dealing slowly and painstakingly with the longest queue while four others are on duty in the fast-track route having a brief sociable chat with people as they breeze past. This will simply be replicated for the public entrance compared to the VIP and Mates of Doormen entrance.

Acting as bouncers is likely to come naturally to some officials already experienced at turning away disappointed applicants based on questionable motives. Others may need reassurance that wearing trainers is sufficient grounds for saying, ‘I don’t care what you say or who you are, it's up to me and I say you’re not coming in.’