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You’d be a millionaire with a huge penis if you weren’t so suspicious all the time



You’re a suspicious bastard. There’s a DHL delivery guy actually crying because his van is full of things which you haven’t arranged collection of. Just click the link, dumbo! It’s probably gifts from an anonymous admirer.


Numerous Nigerian princes have died never knowing that there was no way to repatriate their fortune because of your – what? Xenophobia? Racism? We’re one big world my friend, don’t let your prejudices get in the way. Their nephews even write IN CAPITAL LETTERS to assure you of their sincerity – but still you turn your back on them.


Your – frankly, quite average - penis could be truly massive if only you could be bothered to click a little ad and send a few bank details. Speaking of which, hot women in your area are still lonely – think what a difference you could have made with your improved todger.


All this misery is because of your fears. Yes, you read that right – you’re afraid. Embrace life. Earn that Nigerian fortune. Sleep with beautiful yet unaccountably lonely women in your area, confident that your man sausage won’t be embarrassing. Just sign up for my course and soon you’ll be saying YES to a brighter future. All it takes is a little trust and some payment information.


Rishi Sunak




Nigeria lodges appeal with FIFA following defeat



It has just emerged that, following Nigeria’s defeat on penalties to England in the Women’s World Cup, the country has lodged an appeal with FIFA.


However, rather than focussing on the clear penalty they were denied, the email surprisingly talks about a fortune the organisation will receive if it’s able to help the sender, who describes himself as a general who was ousted in a coup and now needs to transfer a lot of money out of the country.


”I sent the money they asked for, to pay for some initial setup costs,” explained a FIFA official, “and hoped they’d send the promised millions straight away.


“Unfortunately it turns out there are some other unexpected costs I need to help them with before they can do that. Which is annoying, obvs, but it’s only a matter of a few days, so I’m not worried.”


Apparently the official’s bosses were livid when they heard, one of them saying “I knew we should have sacked him after he chose Qatar to host the Men’s World Cup.


”Though to be fair, on that occasion they did send the money they promised.”




Nigeria in talks with UK for return of Rees-Mogg



Following recent successful negotiations with several museums in the UK for the return of looted artefacts, the Nigerian government are now believed to be in the advanced stages of talks to secure the return of Victorian missionary, Jacob Rees-Mogg.


Rees-Mogg, who is estimated to be over two hundred years old, disappeared from his mission station in a jungle clearing close to the capital, Abuja, in 1847.


Initially, it was thought that the Roman Catholic member of the White Fathers evangelical order had been killed by native tribesmen and possibly eaten, but he then re-emerged in the Horniman Museum in South London where he remained on display in a glass cabinet for almost half a century, kept alive on a diet of hard tack biscuits, acorn gruel and holy water


In the 1960s, a deal was struck with the Rees-Mogg family who took him back to the family home in Somerset where he enjoyed a brief career as a performer in a local music hall, singing sea shanties and Victorian love ditties in a high falsetto while riding back and forth across the stage on a penny-farthing bicycle.


He then entered politics and became the Conservative member for East Somerset and more recently the Minister For Brexit Opportunities.


After failing to find any, he asked to be returned to the museum where he remains in the basement, awaiting restoration work on his knees and monocle.


A museum spokesman told newsmen last night: 'We realise that Jacob may have been looted so we are very much open to returning him to Nigeria.


'Let them pay for his kedgeree breakfasts and monthly subscription to Mature Nannies In Suspenders.'


In 1947, the museum successfully fought off an action to return Ann Widdecombe to the United States after they claimed she had been looted from The House of Grotesques on Coney Island by drunken matelots from HMS Bulwark in 1870.




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